January 30, 2010

ok so i am pretty sure during these next 3 months or so my brain is going to explode from all the knowledge i will be cramming in it LOL. thanks to some amazing people (or as my grandma calls them angels)i am able to take all this training! you have no idea how thankful i am for my angels!!! (and you know who you are!)

so starting very soon i will be renewing my level 1 yoga certification, getting my level 2 yoga cert, getting my group fitness cert, getting my primary nutrition cert, and getting my core strength vinyasa cert!!!!

i am on cloud nine and beyond thankful!

on top of that my class numbers at the studio are slowly increasing! i am hoping to have about 5 people this morning, would have been at least 7 but 2 are sick. plus my class numbers are the rec. center seem to be holding between 9-11 (which is about all that little room can hold). although, as mentioned in my prior post, i am worried about the numbers after this coming thursday's class.

slowly my dream is becoming more solid! i am soo happy. i have been hoping and praying for things to really start coming together and they finally are.

so now i am hoping for my next mini goal to come true, getting clothes that fit me LOL. after losing (close to) 40lbs or so now none of my clothes fit me, even my yoga pants slide down LOL. people forget to mention that when you lose weight you have to get new clothes LOL. so i am currently setting aside a few dollars here and there in hopes that i will be able to buy clothes that fit me. even my "skinny" jeans are too big for me. now i never would have thought that would have happened! who would have though cutting all carbs after 6pm and doing a 1-2 hours of yoga a night would make such a difference but it really has! i have never been healthier or in better shape!

plus i think after all i have been through lately and all the training i am about to embark on i deserve to get some new clothes hehe.

well that's about it for now. i need to get going for another busy day!

thank you all for reading, your love, and your support!!!! i love you all!!!!

January 29, 2010

boy, where did this month go? i swear time is on fast forward.

ok where to begin....

so i am back in contact with mother, this was such an interesting experience. when i first spoke to her i was so nervous i thought i was either going to throw up or have a heart attack. me and my nerves i tell ya. so after a ton of awkward silences we got through our first phone conversation since september. by the end i had agreed to go to a late lunch with her on tuesday.

so while we were all at dinner she said and did something that shocked us both. she was telling us about how when she was putting up our wedding pictures in her new house that she stared at them and then started to cry. she said she was so afraid that troy and i's love wouldn't make it through this hard time that she actually got down on her knees prayed. now those of you that know my mom know this, she NEVER shows emotion, for she believes it's a sign of weakness. i think in my entire life i have seen her cry like 3 times. one being when her mom died. and then to show this type of emotion in public, with tears, was truly shocking. so that made us happy to see that she truly does care for and about us.

i guess what caused her to get back in contact with me was she had a nightmare that i was a walking skeleton because we couldn't afford to get any food. she kept pressuring me to eat more at lunch too LOL. i don't have a big stomach and i have never really ate that much, so this wasn't really anything new to me LOL.

so after lunch she insisted on taking us to target to get a crockpot (to help with our cost efficient cooking) and then got us some groceries and a couple of clothing items. it's not what she got us or that she got us anything, it's that she cared enough to want to do those things. on a side note, she got me this awesome baggy sweater (i have been sleeping in it, it's amazing! soft as cloud too! we have dubbed it the purple sweater LOL) which was on clearance for 6 bucks! she is also helping us get my car back up and running, which will be nice, only having 1 car and having to depend on troy to Chauffeur me around is no fun.

all in all it was a very good visit. i know that she will never be the emotionally there mom i need and want, but she does care and she is trying now, even if it took a nightmare to scare her back into our lives. i just have to take her for what she is not what i want her to be.

since tuesday we have been packing up all our stuff getting ready for when the time comes to move. for once we are doing it in advance and not last minute. does this mean we are growing up? LOL. oh, on a funny side note, when we were at target i was soo excited to find bananas on sale for 51 cents a pound LOL. i think i have offically crossed over to the old side LOL.

so my class at the rec. center is going really well, had about 9-10 people last night, which is a lot considering that room can comfortably hold like 12. i am a bit worried though, they are putting another cardio type class against it starting next week. the last time they did this my class numbers dropped like crazy. i was lucky if i could get 2 people. and i really can't blame them. the instructor next door is sooooo loud and she blares her music so much that you can't even hear my music or me half the time. nothing says relax like someone screaming BREATHE!!!! right? i feel silly, here i was thinking i could evenutally upgrade to the bigger room. no wonder by boss kept turning me down whenever i asked, she had plans to have another class against it. it seems the harder i try at this studio the less i gain. i feel like they want me to fail there at times. i know it's silly of me to think that but i have been there for about 2 years now, only have 1 class (when some have 7 a week), am like the only one who teaches yoga that has to teach against a loud cardio class, can't use the bigger room, and has never gotten a raise.

i really can't wait till the day i can have my own little studio. to make matters a little more stressful, i have this odd gut feeling that the studio i rent time from isn't doing so good. they no longer have their website anymore, their schedule book shows that they have clients right before i arrive but no one has been there for weeks. so to play it safe we have all my supplies in the car and i have a backup plan of, "let's go to the park for today's class" in case i arrive one day to find the locks changed. not to mention they keep cutting the hours i am able to instruct there. so i don't know what's going on, they never keep me in the loop so it's hard. again another reason i need my own studio.

on the plus side the classes i do have the people are loving! so i at least know it's not me. which is always good to know. i guess for now i will just keep doing my thing. i have also been turning in my resume to all these different studios, so keep your, well everything, crossed i land one of them LOL.

well that' about it. thanks for reading and your love & support! i love you all!!!!

January 21, 2010

sorry for the delay in posting, life has been keeping me busy!

the last few weeks i have really grown, i am getting more confident with myself and my body, i'm not caring so much about what other people think of me, and i am not trying to make myself someone i am not to please others.

i have come to the conclusion that if someone doesn't like me it's probably a blessing in disguise. i use to try to change subtle things about myself in hopes that certain people would like me, but after taking a step back and really, truly looking at these people i realized something... i don't want to be their friend. either they are very shallow, self-center, mean spirited, etc. after taking this true look at them i had to laugh at myself, i was so desperate for a friend and attention i wasn't taking into consideration the type of person it would be coming from. from there it was easier to accept things and myself.

i have come to terms with the fact that i am very different from most people, but i don't think it's a bad thing, it's just the way life is. i am very independent and usually (although not by choice) will go about things the hard way, i am very creative, and i have to think outside the box and take risks even if most people can't understand why i would. to answer that question for those who don't truly understand why i do things like that at times: it's because i would rather try and fail then to have never tried at all. for what type of life would i be living if i never took risks or chances? if i always played it safe? if i didn't leap before looking at times? i wouldn't be me and it wouldn't be a life i would want to lead.

and if things turn out for the worst i am prepared for it. i would rather be poor and living in a box with my loving husband then rich and without love. i know this can seem odd to many of you, but this is just how i am. and my husband feels exactly the same way.

i have also come to realize that just because someone doesn't give birth to you doesn't mean they can't love you like a mom. the love i have found and received from my cybermom has been overwhelming. she is there for me if i just need to vent for a few, she encourages and supports me, she believes in me. this is more than i could ever ask for. she is such a beautiful person inside and out i find myself at a loss for words most of the time, which is such an odd feeling for me, as most people tell me i never shut up LOL. the love she has for her own family is astounding. she truly loves and accepts her daughters for who they are, not who they could be. and i am amazed that her motherly love just doesn't stop with her own flesh and blood children, oh no, she has it for everyone in her church, for her choir kids, for people like me.

the other day she went above and beyond with me, and i am still taken aback from it all. she offered to help me with, what i felt was a huge problem, but to her it was nothing. she seemed to get a kick out of how much this meant to me. =) but it's true, it meant the world to me. growing up with my birth mother was tough. from the day i was born she never truly loved or wanted me and as i grew up more and more i became more and more like my father (who was the most amazing man!) and of course this angered her even more. if i were hurt she would think i was faking it (which lead to major problems that amazingly yoga fixed, or even breaking a leg and her trying to make me walk on it), if i needed help or support she was to busy (she would never attend my choir concerts, even though my senior year i choreographed an entire song by myself on crutches!!! or with college i had to pay for it all myself, which was tough since growing up i gave every spare dime i earned working to her even though my dad gave her a pretty child support check every week. that money was suppose to go to my sister and i but we rarely saw a dime of it). in some ways i am thankful for growing up like this because it made me into the person i am today, but in other ways it has hurt me emotionally. i have had, and still am working through so many emotional injuries that she has caused me. i once had a person tell me, "i can't believe you haven't become this evil, bitter person". to be honest if it wasn't for my father and my husband i am pretty sure i might have become that person.

but getting back to my point, i am now receiving this love from someone who doesn't even have to give it to me. not only has she given me her love and support but she wants to spend time with me! right now we are trying to figure out a time for me to come up and visit her and her family. last i heard her and one of her daughters were fighting over who gets to have me at their house. i have never been fought over before, it's such a weird, but good, feeling!

yes life might be pretty crappy, yes i might not have like any friends in the same state as me, but i am sooo blessed right now! i am blessed to have the most amazing husband, who loves me more than himself (and i feel the same way about him), who supports me, who has stuck by my side, when a lesser man would have left, as i worked through all my issues (and boy do i come with baggage LOL). i am blessed to have family that truly cares for me, from my half sister, her mom, grandma, step mom and her kids on the east coast; to my cybermom and her family in kansas, to my in-laws in the next town over from us. it's funny that it took learning to love myself to see that i have always been loved, that i deserve love.

thank you for reading and for your love and support! i love you all!!!!

January 9, 2010

This is Me, Take It or Leave It, I Am Not Changing!!!

it really irks me when you have no idea where you stand with someone. i mean either way i would understand. i know i am quirky and all that but don't lead me on and pretend to like me if you don't. ugh... and how does one ask a question like that and not cause drama for the other people it may affect... tricky, tricky...

so in a total ADD moment, sorry. here's how my day started...

woke up to getting a random text from my half sister debbie (I LOVE YOU DEBBIE!!!) it was so random i must write it here (it even lead to a mini debate between troy and i LOL. i said no he said yes.)

"if you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?" how's that for a question at 7am? LOL

an hour later (was still in bed, had 5 hormone induced anxiety attacks through out the night, oh and 1 really bad hot flash LOL) i get a text from two clients (they are a couple, so cute together too!) that they couldn't make it today and apologized. they usually always make it, so i didn't let it bum me out too bad. i understand stuff happens and comes up in life. so then as i am getting the room ready for my 11:30am class i get a call from troy that julie and her friend weren't able to make it. so it would just be me and ann (a spunky 60 something woman that i adore! she always makes me laugh and smile and we had an amazing one-on-one class). i must admit i was bummed at julie and her friend not making it. so this of course set the mood for a bit of a downer for me. i worked through most of it, then after class when troy picked me up (car battery died....again) we talked about it, and it bummed me out again. i know some of this is hormone induced, so that helps a little. another part isn't. this is the part that wants a friend and social interaction soo bad that i leap at any chance for it. i sound like a drug addict don't i LOL. does this mean i am a people addict? i just get soo lonely. i haven't seen a friend of any sort in months. i sit at home and work and work and work. plus with all the heavy stuff i have been having to deal with lately having a friend would be so nice!
i am not a big person on going out all the time, crowds stress me out, loud noises get to me, i know i am old lady, what can i say LOL. but even hanging out watching t.v. with a friend sounds amazing at the moment. i make jokes all the time about putting a " Need a BFF" ad on craigslist LOL.
now i know i have friends, but about 99% of all of them don't live in the same state or even the same coast as me, which doesn't help when i need a girl's night out/in, whatever.

i'd like to think that this isn't asking for too much. and it's not like i am asking to hang out with anyone everyday or something, but like once a month or something would be fantastic.

i know my interests are weird, i am a yoga addict (and according to troy i am a yoga-deala! yes he even says it like that LOL). i have this weird obession with ninjas (you can blame christian bale in batman begins LOL), i am obsessed with my chihuahua, i love music (playing and listening), i LOVE movies (comedies, drama, sci-fi, not picky as long as it's good, or if it's bad it has to be bad enough to laugh at... coughs... blood rayne...) i love books ( for the past 2 years i have been obessed with vampire, werewolf, witch, etc, type books, i think because they are true fantasty!) i have recently (in the past year) become in love with werewolves, why because they rock LOL. actually it's kinda funny that i am. i LOVE the moon, love to get mojito to howl (i call him my mini-were now LOL), love wolves, found out my spirit animal is a wolf, so i guess it makes sense right? plus you have to admit that if you could shapeshift into something that would be pretty cool! i like cute little online games, like petville (why i lvoe this game so much i will never know LOL). i am a recovering WOW (world of warcraft, yes even i fell prey to it LOL) addict, but due to this game i met some of the most amazing people.... heather, meghan, dyan, my cybermom, greta, etc.) i have a ton of allergies (and enjoy gluten free and sugar free baking). all in all i am a geek. but i am proud to be one! and i know that a lot of the things i love most people don't. but this is who i am and darn it i think that's A-OK! (took me FOREVER to come to this realization, you have no idea). troy almost passed out when i said that and this today... that i am a good person and i deserve happiness! i am worthy of happiness and good friends! yes people, i actually said those lines today!!! i have 3 witness, sure only 1 is human, but still, they are witnesses!!! (the other 2 were shadow, one of our cats, and mojito!)

so there....phew! i got all that off my chest and now i think i have carpal tunnel from typing this book LOL.

thank you all for all your love and support!!! i love all of you soooooooooooooooooo much!

DAY 39: december 25, 2009

this is our famous tumbleweed christmas tree in downtown chandler! it's right across the parking lot from the pilates studio i instruct at hehe.

happy holidays everyone!

so today started off great...
i woke up in my husbands arms, literally. always amazing. then spoke to meghan and her wonderful family on the phone, got a cute x-mas card from meg as well! it was shaping up into a wonderful day, considering everything....

then the phone rings... it's my mom. troy debated on telling me tomorrow so it wouldn't ruin my day, but being me i wouldn't be satisfied until i learned the truth anyway, so he just cut the chase and told me. after 3-4 months of nothing she calls. she moved last month and didn't even tell us where. so as you can imagine this hit me like a ton of bricks. i felt like i was about to lose my breakfast, breakdown in tears on the floor, or just punch a wall all at the same time. it was horrible! why couldn't she have called tomorrow, why today? with all that we are dealing with you have to ruin this day for me as well!

here's the kicker.... she tries tossing the blame back on me in her phone message! saying that i never called her, blah, blah, blah... when the last time i spoke to her, if it wasn't about her and her fabulous new home she didn't want to hear it, even though i had some pretty heavy stuff to tell, which i did regardless... well until "someone came to the door" and she said she would call me soon. i guess in the huge scale of things 3-4 months is soon LOL.

here's my thing, if you want to be in my life/have me in yours then act like it! don't keep messing with me... when all is fine and dandy, she's all about me in her life... but when life gets really hard for me she bolts. not only does she bolt, but she uses us, then moves into a new home and doesn't even tell us where!

we could be living on the street, been in the hospital, etc. and she wouldn't have a freaking clue!!! if she really cares then she needs to friggen act like it! ARRRG! (sorry.)

troy thinks the guilt got to her. but i wouldn't be surprised if she had some ulterior motive.

it's like she knew i was finally beginning to heal all those wounds and decided to rip them all back open.

well needless to say i didn't call her back. i am hesitant to, all she will do is throw it back on me like it's all my fault and if i call her on her stuff she will just change the subject and not learn a thing. i swear i would have better luck getting through to a log.

i really don't know what to do. i wish i was either strong enough to just call her out on everything, and i mean everything. or just cut her out of my life completely. but i'm not. some messed up part of me wants to have a mom soooooo bad. i swear i must like pain or something, either that or i am just a hopeless fool.

anyway, to sum it all up, my christmas was a roller coaster of emotions.

oh, and then we had to go to his parents house, which i was NOT in the mood for. his younger sister literally tells you what you are thinking, feeling, etc. which is tough enough to take on a good day LOL. so i just ate dinner and bit my tongue. LOL. she's a know it all that still lives at home and has never been on her own ever, and she's like 31. whereas i have been on my own since 19 and had been working since 15 so yeah, it can be frustrating LOL. she even got on troy's nerves pretty bad tonight, and that's saying something LOL.

well enough of my complaining. i hope everyone else had a much better holiday.

thank you all for your love and support! i love you all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DAY 31: december 17, 2009

so right now our world is kinda crazy, and to top it off that little kitten merlin isn't doing so good...
merlin is still alive, for now. it appears the little guy was not only poisoned but also shot. he has an entry and exit wound, about 4 inches deep. well thanks to that wound it has lead into a horrid infection, and infection so bad that it is now eating his flesh. this now makes taking care of him very hard for us since it's contagious not only to other animals (we have cats and a dog) but also to people. we have called just about every vet office and they won't issue the meds for it without seeing him first. well that's all fine and dandy except...
1. he's a wild cat
2. we have ourselves and our pets to worry about
3. we just don't have the money for a vet visit

it is soooooo frustrating for us. we now have to watch this sweet kitten get eaten alive. =( we are going to call animal control today to see if there's anything they can do.

it is so sad, all his family members won't go near him because they know something is very wrong with him. what hurts the most is the little guy was really bouncing back before this hit hard. =(

why do troy and i get sooo attached sooo quickly to these little critters. i wish there was more we could do, but we are/have done all that we can.

just had to get this off my chest.

as always, thank you for your love and support, i love you all!!!!

(i will update later after my (much) needed class tonight at the rec. center. it's all about opening the heart <3 )

UPDATE:
class went really well, everyone really seemed to enjoy it! so yay!

DAY 29-30: december 15-16 2009

i love and care for my body, and it loves and cares for me...

there's really nothing to post about yesterday LOL.

so today i began working on the videos for the 30 day challenge. i did 3 days so far, my energy levels still aren't fully back so i didn't push myself too hard, which ended up being a blessing in disguise as i had to sub a 7pm high impact yoga class. let's just say that after a total of 2 hours o high impact yoga i am sleepy LOL.

troy was soo sweet today, when i was getting ready to leave he said i was a 10. he keeps saying these amazing things and i don't know how to respond LOL. i am great at giving compliments, horrible at taking them LOL. but it did help with my confidence for subbing the class.

i have no idea if anyone liked the class, it's always so hard to tell when you are subbing for someone. i just did my thing and was myself and if they didn't like i am sorry. it's not my fault their instructor called me at 5:30pm saying she "wasn't in the mood" to instruct her class. i feel amazing after my classes and i look forward to them. i swear sometimes i need them more than the clients LOL. and if i am having an off day i think that's when i need to push myself to go more than ever. but whatever, i am thankful for the opportunity. i am just having a hard time understanding the logic LOL.

well all my cute reindeer are ready for tomorrow, let's hope their eyes and noses stay on long enough for the people to get them LOL.

well that's about all i can think of at the moment, kinda wiped out as you can imagine.

thank you all for your love and support, i love you!!!!

DAY 26-28: december 12-14, 2009

i deserve to have a great life!

december 12-13, 2009
had an amazing class on the 12th. not a whole lot to report these two days, as i got my period and had to take it easy. so i mostly rested. it was kind of annoying though, after my class that saturday i became wicked tired, so i took a nap, woke up from it and then got slammed with my period LOL.


december 14, 2009

i had an amazing day today! first i made some cute candy cane reindeer, then hopped in the shower. after i finished getting ready i loaded up my reindeer and went to frances' house to do some yoga. i made the reindeer for her two cute little girls. they both loved the reindeer, so yay! after frances and i did some yoga, with sydney doing some killer yoga moves of her own LOL. gotta love almost 5 year olds LOL. she has more energy then most people on earth i tell ya LOL.

after yoga we sat and had some herbal coffee and just chatted. it was really nice. then her husband came home and made some home-made spring rolls (with rice paper for her since she can't have wheat or gluten like me). then she insisted on me staying for dinner. the spring rolls were amazing! her hubby is an awesome cook! after dinner we chatted some more. it felt soooo good to just sit and chat with someone. we have a lot in common too and sorta similar backgrounds, which is kinda nice. makes us not feel so alone.

as i was getting ready to go her daughters wanted to do a little more yoga with me, so we did about 45 min. more hehe. it was tooo funny, when syndey went into downward-facing dog she shouted, this makes me fart. we both laughed soo hard LOL. then her youngest elena went into it and let out a very loud fart. we couldn't believe it! so it's now lovingly referred to in their house as downward-farting dog LOL. after that i was pretty tired, of course sydney wasn't though LOL. so i packed up my stuff and came back home. i was there from 3pm till almost 9! i couldn't believe it hehe. was such a great day! she even insisted on paying me, which i didn't like. i mean, she made me dinner! but i could tell if i pushed it she would take offense. they are all such sweet and good people!

well that's about it, i am now dog tired lol. i swear little kids suck all the energy out of you and place it into them LOL.

well thank you all for your love and support, i love you all!!!!

DAY 25: december 11, 2009

my body is capable of so many amazing things...

so i am pretty proud of myself, i have been doing 1-2 hours a day of my own personal yoga practice. my body has been really opening up lately and is letting me do some things i never thought were possible. plus nothing beats a good workout session! give me a few rounds of sun salutations over any other type of exercise any ol' day hehe.

i am looking forward to tomorrow! i have my class in the morning at the studio, then in the afternoon i am going to a client's house for a private session! should be a yoga fun filled day!

well that's about it here, as always, thank you for all your love and support! i love you all!!!!!

DAY 24: december 10, 2009

had the most amazing class at the rec. center tonight! only 2 people showed up so we did a semi-private type class, it was awesome! having such an intimate environment allowed them to ask more questions and open up in ways they would never have if it was a normal class. i was also better able to help them with adjustments and poses that were tailored to their needs. they both seemed to really appreciate it as well! i got some pretty amazing compliments!

i am soo happy that God blessed me with my life path so early. maybe because i have been through soo much already he cut me a little slack LOL.

other than that i have been doing pretty good. =)

DAYS 21-23: december 7-9, 2009

i deserve love, happiness, and success...

so there hasn't been much to report lately which is either a good or a bad thing LOL.
since the sun came back out my energy levels & depression have improved. i guess i really am that sensitive LOL.

as many of you know we have been trying to save merlin, the stray kitten, since he was poisoned (we believe). he is still alive. today was tough, with a lot of touch and go moments. emotions have been high to say the least. but we've done all we can do for the little guy... we're just hoping and praying now.

on a side note, troy brought some new information about my birthgiver (oh he is now pretty sure that i didn't come from that woman LOL he's been making jokes that there's another lady out there that's my mom LOL, he knows i am my father's daughter though! <3 ) that opened the healing wounds a little. but, and you will be proud of me, i didn't let it ruin my night. i pushed all the anger, pain, and tears (they were building up under the eyes...) out of my mind and focused on the good in my life!

aside from that i subbed a class last night at the rec. center which was a lot fun. instructing brings me such joy! then today i have a private session with a client, which again made my day! they even bought my simply restorative dvd! i am soo touched (and surprised) that people want my dvd's LOL.

so i have a big day ahead of me tomorrow, filming videos for the 30 day challenge, then instructing my class at the rec. center in the evening! should be a yoga-fun-filled day!!!

thank you all again for all your love & support! i love you all!!!

DAY 19-20: december 5-6, 2009

not much too report for these 2 days, just very tired all the time. hormones plus no sun equals a sleepy april LOL

other than that i have just been doing my thing. i will update later today with today's update hehe.

thanks for all your love and support, i love you all!!!! <3

DAY 18: december 4, 2009

i have an amazing family...

so i was in the middle of getting ready for the day when troy grabbed me and pulled me back into bed declaring that we were taking the day off LOL. we both have been working so hard and i have been having a hard time latey, what with winter blues, depression, emotional pain that i am working though, oh and hormones LOL.

first we took some old cereal and grabbed mojito and went to a local park. it was really nice, there was like no one else there! so first we feed the ducks, which apparently i caused a bit of gang war between the two sides LOL. there were two groups of ducks and neither liked the other very much. they were pecking and biting each other instead of the food, i felt bad. silly ducks i tell ya. i don't know why the first group even followed me over to the other side of the pond if they hate the others so much LOL.

after that we let mojito just run and run, oh and pee on anything and everything LOL. he has a serious leaf fetish, he must pee on any leaf he runs across LOL.

at the end of this amazing park visit i declared that we should do that every friday afternoon!

then we ran to the store to grab a couple of items, then headed home and watched a t.v. and a movie in bed on my laptop. not having a t.v. or couch can have it's upsides at times hehe.

it was just an amazing day! and a much needed day!

how did i get so lucky to find a man like troy! i love him more than he will ever know!

well that's about it, hehe.

as always, thank you for your support and love! i love you all!!!!

DAY 17: december 3, 2009

today, i will concentrate on taking one step forward, however small...

been battling the blues again today, i really hate this time of year. i am really beginning to think i am one of those that suffer from winter blues. i just feeling like crying and i have no idea why. =(

my 5:30pm class can't come fast enough today, i don't know who benefits more, me or the clients LOL. i guess it depends on the day huh? well i am pretty sure today it's me lol.

something about instructing a class is very therapeutic to me for some reason, and it goes beyond the fact that i am doing yoga. maybe it's because i, in my own little way, am helping people. whether it's just stretching their muscles or helping them de-stress after a long day at work. about an hour to go before i have to instruct it.

i really wish the holiday season would just come and go and spring would come back already. i miss you spring!!!

sorry i totally having blogger ADD today.

today has been a recoup day for me, mostly, since i have been pushing myself soo hard lately. tomorrow i start filming all the videos for the 30 day challenge, so let's hope i get a good night's sleep or else it will just be 30 minutes of laying there in corpse pose LOL. i really hope people like the challenge and all that i have put into it. i finished making all the basic pages, which includes a healthy recipe and helpful tips. a lot of work went into just that part alone. then there was coming up with what i wanted the workouts to be for the 30 days. i am making it so that with each day you can actually go back to the previous ones and do an entire workout. the first day is a warm-up stretching day, this i know for sure, then day two is sun salutations, which is a grouping of poses done to create heat in the body and aids in allowing for an easier and smoother workout, the sun salutations also help build strength and stamina. but here i go again on another yoga tangent, sorry. anyway, so yeah worried about that.

well i better finish getting ready as i have to see my boss before class to pick up business cards that i am suppose to handout. apparently it helps promote my class and offers whomever get's it a free day at the rec. center. not 100% sure on it all, lol.

well anyway, thank you all for your love and support, i love you all!!!!!!!!!!!

****** UPDATE *******

had an amazing class tonight! got an amazing review from a client about my simply restorative dvd so yay me!!! hehe. had a new lady come tonight, she was too cute, first timer at the rec. center. she did really good! she may even start coming to the studio and will possibly buy one of my dvd's so another yay me! hehe.

i realized something tonight, i truly, with every inch of my soul, love instructing yoga. i feel like this is why God placed me here, that and to meet and marry the most amazing man ever! hehe. but everything feels sooooo right about it. i just be me and teach the way i am comfortable, and people seem to like it. not all will of course, especially the super crazy yoga people, the ones that take it all a little too seriously, but the "normal" yoga people hehe. i do yoga for the people not the people who think they are elite hehe. anyway, i truly love doing what i am doing! i hope that one day i am blessed with the opportunity to have my own studio. well that's it for the update, just had to mention the class hehe.

night and namaste*

* i get asked all the time what this means, it means: the light in me honors the light in you. so basically it's my soul acknowledging, honoring, and thank yours. <3 (basically it's like the best thank you ever LOL)

DAY 16: december 2, 2009

i am worthy of love!

so i was battling a major case of the blues today, not sure why exactly, i think part of it stems from self doubt. i am afraid i am not a very good yoga instructor, i am afraid that my new idea (the 30 day challenge) will be a complete flop, etc.

but then i was standing in the kitchen and my amazing hubby walked up behind me and held me in his amazing arms and said in my ear, "i am so proud of you. sometimes i wake up in the middle of the night and think about how proud and lucky i am to have you". i about broke into tears. of course being myself i have to ask if he truly means it, and he replied, of course. lol. one day i won't fear that things like this said to me are only said to make me feel better and have no real feelings behind them. just like how i think he's crazy (and blind) for thinking i am beautiful.

i am very blessed. even though life is in a pretty crappy stage at the moment, it is also revealing to me some real gems. i have some pretty amazing friends, family, and "adopted" family members. but above all (and you all know i love you all!) i have the most amazing husband! he loves me no matter what, even if i am a bit nuts at times lol. i never forget this, but sometimes i let the bad in life get to me and don't focus enough on the good. and in the good department i am rich with real love. so what if my birth mother has never and will never love me the way she should, i have people in my life that love me more than i think i realize and that's a pretty awesome thing!!!

so as always, thank you all for supporting and loving me, i love you all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DAY 15: december 1, 2009

my possibilities are endless

happy december everyone! i think winter has finally arrived in arizona LOL.

i am doing a bit better today, i still have some ups and downs throughout the day, nothing like that emotional roller coaster right? LOL.

i am trying to focus on just the positive, which can be hard at times.

we went to the park today with boo (aka mojito) which was good for all of us. nothing like some fresh air and sunshine to make you feel better. =)

other than that there really isn't much to report today. which i guess is kinda good right? LOL

well i am off to do some yoga before i curl up in bed and watch heroes on my laptop with troy and boo. =)

i am pretty proud of myself how well i have adapted to all the changes we have had to make.

well night everyone and namaste!!!

as always, thank you all for your love and support! i love you all!

oh and a mini shout out goes to this wonderful woman i recently met (who also doesn't live in arizona LOL) you are a beautiful person marisa and it is an honor and a pleasure to know you!

DAY 14 update

here are some of the photos (there's over a 100 total LOL) from the shoot!

DAY 14: november 30, 2009

i like myself, i like myself, i like myself

so yesterday was the first time in at least 6 months that we went out on a date... probably not the smartest thing we did, money wise, but it was much needed. we both had a wonderful time! i can't wait till we are back on our feet and can do more of those. =)

i am suppose to be getting the pictures from the shoot in a few hours! i hope they turned out well. then it's on to editing and cropping them for the site! not a fun job, but it needs to be done. =)

yesterday i was having self image issues, i hate how little comments people make to me can multiply in my head until they have me in tears. i hope i can grow strong enough to let them just roll off my back. troy is amazing though, he verbally smacked some much needed sense into me LOL. part of my problem is that i physically compare myself to "perfect" women. why i do this i will never know. i never feel like i am pretty enough, or thin enough, or curvy (in those womanly places) enough, or my hair color is all wrong, etc. i need to accept that God made me the way i am for a reason and that i am beautiful. but needing to do this and believing it are two different worlds for me right now. i should be happy that my husband thinks i am "gorgeous", but see here's the thing with me, when he tells me this i think he is just trying to make me feel better deep down even though i know he would never lie to me, if that makes sense. i basically think any compliment tossed my way is to just make me feel better and has no real truth behind. i know this is messed up and that i need to not think this way, but the truth is i do. =( i wish there was some magic pill you could take that let you know when people are just bsing you or telling you the truth. and another to make me love myself, my whole self not just bits here and there. ugh...

so that's basically where i am lately, still reading my book and doing the exercises. i know that some days/weeks/etc. will be good days and others bad. i have a lot of pain and emotional scars to work through and that it will take time. i just need to have compassion and understanding for myself.

thank you all for reading and supporting and loving me. i love you all!!!

DAY 12 & DAY 13: november 29, 2009

i am fit, healthy, and attractive
(maybe if i say this enough i will believe it LOL)

i was too tired after the photo shoot yesterday to update, i apologize...

DAY 12

first, a huge sorry goes out to julie. i love you like a sister julie, and i am truly sorry.

so after the bombshell of information i found out yesterday i am still in a little shock. but a lot of why i am the way i am makes more sense. all in all i am glad i learned the truth from debbie. so thank you debbie!

so today's the big photo shoot, kinda stressed out about this one. this is the first big one since i lost all that weight. still uber self conscious about my body too. =( plus the photographer is troy's friend david who takes great photos but sometimes (well usually LOL) doesn't think before he speaks... should be interesting to say the least.

other than that i am doing ok, just super focused. i will let you all know how it goes!



DAY 13

so the photo shoot went well for the most part. david stuck his foot in his mouth a bunch of times, expected. the first was that he wouldn't let up on the fact that when i smile my cheeks puff out (got it, i have chipmunk cheeks), so it took me turning to him and saying, "well you can always photoshop someone else's face on mine" for him to get the point. (because i don't have enough hang-ups on my face.... at least this time he didn't suggest i get a chin implant.)

the next big time he stuck his foot in his mouth was when he was talking about my weightloss and told him that it was about 30lbs total, he asked how much i weigh now, which i replied with 105/106... then he counters it with.... "well my friend amber (who is this drop dead gorgeous 24 year old) is 114 and is 5'7", how tall are you?" i didn't know it was possible to go from feeling good about your body to feeling like a cow again in a split second but i did. but i quickly pushed that thought aside and focused on how far i have come. and darn it, i think i am doing pretty darn good! oh and just so you know, i told troy this and he said, one that's impossible since she is not anorexic and that's what she would have to be; and two her fake boobies are too big and too heavy for that to be possible LOL. i seriously love my husband. so that instantly made me feel better. he even admits that david just doesn't get it. he doesn't realize how what he says can hurt people.

oh, and after 4 hours of non-stop yoga, i am a little sore today LOL. but we got some great shots, at least from what i can tell on his camera.... i did a full wheel pose yesterday!!!!!!!!!!!! as you all know this has been one pose i have been working on. and i think i rocked it yesterday! i also did a pretty darn good headstand and an awesome bow pose! i can't wait to get the photos from him to show you all! we took about 150 pics yesterday and most of those are all different poses! i will say this, he did comment on how much my flexibility and strength has improved.

later today troy is taking me to the movies!!! we haven't seen a movie in like 6 months!?!? so i am pretty excited about that! YAY!

well that's about it for now, just mostly taking the day off to recover LOL. i plan on making some more videos for the website (office yoga and a couple others) so yeah. =D

thanks again for reading and supporting me, i love you all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DAY 11: november 27, 2009

my possibilites are endless...

so here i am, day 11, hehe. i am doing ok today, mostly just working hard on well work LOL.
had a good chat with my sister today, i love you debbie and wish we weren't on opposite sides of the US. =( our chat today helped me realize some things about myself...

one, i am too nice LOL. although i don't know if i can ever change this, it's who i am at my core. but i can stop trying so hard to please everyone (which usually involves me hurt in the end).

two, my mom is a horrible person and has really messed me up. on a funny side note, i compared her to herpes today LOL. which in a really weird way makes sense, as she lies low for awhile letting you begin to heal and get over everything, then she comes out of know where and plagues your life again LOL. so with that, my mom is now herpes LOL.

another thing we talked about is how i keep apologizing for needing love and attention. as debbie said, "i'm human, it's what we need". she told me today that my mom never held me, never really wanted anything to do with me, pretty much made it to where she had as little to do with me as possible. well it's no wonder i need constant reassurance that i won't be left or lots of hugs or kisses, or even just a holding of hands. i mean as a baby she would do this to me, i am still a little bit in shock over that one debbie lol. she also told me that for whatever messed up reason, tamar was the child she wanted. and i have to agree. she's treated tamar like a daughter, gone out of her way to give her whatever she wanted or needed. where as i had to beg to go to the doctor. for whatever reason, and i know that it has nothing to do with me, she just didn't want me. even before i was born she didn't want me.

on the plus side she did say that dad loved me very much and gave me as much love and attention as he could, which i clearly remember. i still have memories of laying on his belly watching star trek with him before bed... good times...he had the best embraces, no tension, just a strong loving hold. troy has one like that as well. when i lay in his arms i feel safe, at peace, at home...

i am beginning to think that at this stage in my life i am not suppose to have any friends out here, like maybe i am suppose to be healing myself now so that later i can enjoy the people i meet and not be self conscious and all. i tend to have a nice wall around me most of the time because i am so afraid of being hurt again. which i know isn't the best way to attract people lol. i have been in an emotional survival mode for so long i don't know how to just let my guard down. even troy told me i had quite the barrier up when he met him. i guess that really says something about him if he's willing to take the time to work his way through it hehe.

so that's about it for now. i learned a lot about myself and my past today, so all in all it was an interesting and productive one. =)

again, thank you all for all your love and support!!! i love you all!!!!!!!!!