DAY 39: december 25, 2009

this is our famous tumbleweed christmas tree in downtown chandler! it's right across the parking lot from the pilates studio i instruct at hehe.

happy holidays everyone!

so today started off great...
i woke up in my husbands arms, literally. always amazing. then spoke to meghan and her wonderful family on the phone, got a cute x-mas card from meg as well! it was shaping up into a wonderful day, considering everything....

then the phone rings... it's my mom. troy debated on telling me tomorrow so it wouldn't ruin my day, but being me i wouldn't be satisfied until i learned the truth anyway, so he just cut the chase and told me. after 3-4 months of nothing she calls. she moved last month and didn't even tell us where. so as you can imagine this hit me like a ton of bricks. i felt like i was about to lose my breakfast, breakdown in tears on the floor, or just punch a wall all at the same time. it was horrible! why couldn't she have called tomorrow, why today? with all that we are dealing with you have to ruin this day for me as well!

here's the kicker.... she tries tossing the blame back on me in her phone message! saying that i never called her, blah, blah, blah... when the last time i spoke to her, if it wasn't about her and her fabulous new home she didn't want to hear it, even though i had some pretty heavy stuff to tell, which i did regardless... well until "someone came to the door" and she said she would call me soon. i guess in the huge scale of things 3-4 months is soon LOL.

here's my thing, if you want to be in my life/have me in yours then act like it! don't keep messing with me... when all is fine and dandy, she's all about me in her life... but when life gets really hard for me she bolts. not only does she bolt, but she uses us, then moves into a new home and doesn't even tell us where!

we could be living on the street, been in the hospital, etc. and she wouldn't have a freaking clue!!! if she really cares then she needs to friggen act like it! ARRRG! (sorry.)

troy thinks the guilt got to her. but i wouldn't be surprised if she had some ulterior motive.

it's like she knew i was finally beginning to heal all those wounds and decided to rip them all back open.

well needless to say i didn't call her back. i am hesitant to, all she will do is throw it back on me like it's all my fault and if i call her on her stuff she will just change the subject and not learn a thing. i swear i would have better luck getting through to a log.

i really don't know what to do. i wish i was either strong enough to just call her out on everything, and i mean everything. or just cut her out of my life completely. but i'm not. some messed up part of me wants to have a mom soooooo bad. i swear i must like pain or something, either that or i am just a hopeless fool.

anyway, to sum it all up, my christmas was a roller coaster of emotions.

oh, and then we had to go to his parents house, which i was NOT in the mood for. his younger sister literally tells you what you are thinking, feeling, etc. which is tough enough to take on a good day LOL. so i just ate dinner and bit my tongue. LOL. she's a know it all that still lives at home and has never been on her own ever, and she's like 31. whereas i have been on my own since 19 and had been working since 15 so yeah, it can be frustrating LOL. she even got on troy's nerves pretty bad tonight, and that's saying something LOL.

well enough of my complaining. i hope everyone else had a much better holiday.

thank you all for your love and support! i love you all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!