January 21, 2010

sorry for the delay in posting, life has been keeping me busy!

the last few weeks i have really grown, i am getting more confident with myself and my body, i'm not caring so much about what other people think of me, and i am not trying to make myself someone i am not to please others.

i have come to the conclusion that if someone doesn't like me it's probably a blessing in disguise. i use to try to change subtle things about myself in hopes that certain people would like me, but after taking a step back and really, truly looking at these people i realized something... i don't want to be their friend. either they are very shallow, self-center, mean spirited, etc. after taking this true look at them i had to laugh at myself, i was so desperate for a friend and attention i wasn't taking into consideration the type of person it would be coming from. from there it was easier to accept things and myself.

i have come to terms with the fact that i am very different from most people, but i don't think it's a bad thing, it's just the way life is. i am very independent and usually (although not by choice) will go about things the hard way, i am very creative, and i have to think outside the box and take risks even if most people can't understand why i would. to answer that question for those who don't truly understand why i do things like that at times: it's because i would rather try and fail then to have never tried at all. for what type of life would i be living if i never took risks or chances? if i always played it safe? if i didn't leap before looking at times? i wouldn't be me and it wouldn't be a life i would want to lead.

and if things turn out for the worst i am prepared for it. i would rather be poor and living in a box with my loving husband then rich and without love. i know this can seem odd to many of you, but this is just how i am. and my husband feels exactly the same way.

i have also come to realize that just because someone doesn't give birth to you doesn't mean they can't love you like a mom. the love i have found and received from my cybermom has been overwhelming. she is there for me if i just need to vent for a few, she encourages and supports me, she believes in me. this is more than i could ever ask for. she is such a beautiful person inside and out i find myself at a loss for words most of the time, which is such an odd feeling for me, as most people tell me i never shut up LOL. the love she has for her own family is astounding. she truly loves and accepts her daughters for who they are, not who they could be. and i am amazed that her motherly love just doesn't stop with her own flesh and blood children, oh no, she has it for everyone in her church, for her choir kids, for people like me.

the other day she went above and beyond with me, and i am still taken aback from it all. she offered to help me with, what i felt was a huge problem, but to her it was nothing. she seemed to get a kick out of how much this meant to me. =) but it's true, it meant the world to me. growing up with my birth mother was tough. from the day i was born she never truly loved or wanted me and as i grew up more and more i became more and more like my father (who was the most amazing man!) and of course this angered her even more. if i were hurt she would think i was faking it (which lead to major problems that amazingly yoga fixed, or even breaking a leg and her trying to make me walk on it), if i needed help or support she was to busy (she would never attend my choir concerts, even though my senior year i choreographed an entire song by myself on crutches!!! or with college i had to pay for it all myself, which was tough since growing up i gave every spare dime i earned working to her even though my dad gave her a pretty child support check every week. that money was suppose to go to my sister and i but we rarely saw a dime of it). in some ways i am thankful for growing up like this because it made me into the person i am today, but in other ways it has hurt me emotionally. i have had, and still am working through so many emotional injuries that she has caused me. i once had a person tell me, "i can't believe you haven't become this evil, bitter person". to be honest if it wasn't for my father and my husband i am pretty sure i might have become that person.

but getting back to my point, i am now receiving this love from someone who doesn't even have to give it to me. not only has she given me her love and support but she wants to spend time with me! right now we are trying to figure out a time for me to come up and visit her and her family. last i heard her and one of her daughters were fighting over who gets to have me at their house. i have never been fought over before, it's such a weird, but good, feeling!

yes life might be pretty crappy, yes i might not have like any friends in the same state as me, but i am sooo blessed right now! i am blessed to have the most amazing husband, who loves me more than himself (and i feel the same way about him), who supports me, who has stuck by my side, when a lesser man would have left, as i worked through all my issues (and boy do i come with baggage LOL). i am blessed to have family that truly cares for me, from my half sister, her mom, grandma, step mom and her kids on the east coast; to my cybermom and her family in kansas, to my in-laws in the next town over from us. it's funny that it took learning to love myself to see that i have always been loved, that i deserve love.

thank you for reading and for your love and support! i love you all!!!!