my possibilites are endless...so here i am, day 11, hehe. i am doing ok today, mostly just working hard on well work LOL.
had a good chat with my sister today, i love you debbie and wish we weren't on opposite sides of the US. =( our chat today helped me realize some things about myself...
one, i am too nice LOL. although i don't know if i can ever change this, it's who i am at my core. but i can stop trying so hard to please everyone (which usually involves me hurt in the end).
two, my mom is a horrible person and has really messed me up. on a funny side note, i compared her to herpes today LOL. which in a really weird way makes sense, as she lies low for awhile letting you begin to heal and get over everything, then she comes out of know where and plagues your life again LOL. so with that, my mom is now herpes LOL.
another thing we talked about is how i keep apologizing for needing love and attention. as debbie said, "i'm human, it's what we need". she told me today that my mom never held me, never really wanted anything to do with me, pretty much made it to where she had as little to do with me as possible. well it's no wonder i need constant reassurance that i won't be left or lots of hugs or kisses, or even just a holding of hands. i mean as a baby she would do this to me, i am still a little bit in shock over that one debbie lol. she also told me that for whatever messed up reason, tamar was the child she wanted. and i have to agree. she's treated tamar like a daughter, gone out of her way to give her whatever she wanted or needed. where as i had to beg to go to the doctor. for whatever reason, and i know that it has nothing to do with me, she just didn't want me. even before i was born she didn't want me.
on the plus side she did say that dad loved me very much and gave me as much love and attention as he could, which i clearly remember. i still have memories of laying on his belly watching star trek with him before bed... good times...he had the best embraces, no tension, just a strong loving hold. troy has one like that as well. when i lay in his arms i feel safe, at peace, at home...
i am beginning to think that at this stage in my life i am not suppose to have any friends out here, like maybe i am suppose to be healing myself now so that later i can enjoy the people i meet and not be self conscious and all. i tend to have a nice wall around me most of the time because i am so afraid of being hurt again. which i know isn't the best way to attract people lol. i have been in an emotional survival mode for so long i don't know how to just let my guard down. even troy told me i had quite the barrier up when he met him. i guess that really says something about him if he's willing to take the time to work his way through it hehe.
so that's about it for now. i learned a lot about myself and my past today, so all in all it was an interesting and productive one. =)
again, thank you all for all your love and support!!! i love you all!!!!!!!!!
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