DAY 39: december 25, 2009

this is our famous tumbleweed christmas tree in downtown chandler! it's right across the parking lot from the pilates studio i instruct at hehe.

happy holidays everyone!

so today started off great...
i woke up in my husbands arms, literally. always amazing. then spoke to meghan and her wonderful family on the phone, got a cute x-mas card from meg as well! it was shaping up into a wonderful day, considering everything....

then the phone rings... it's my mom. troy debated on telling me tomorrow so it wouldn't ruin my day, but being me i wouldn't be satisfied until i learned the truth anyway, so he just cut the chase and told me. after 3-4 months of nothing she calls. she moved last month and didn't even tell us where. so as you can imagine this hit me like a ton of bricks. i felt like i was about to lose my breakfast, breakdown in tears on the floor, or just punch a wall all at the same time. it was horrible! why couldn't she have called tomorrow, why today? with all that we are dealing with you have to ruin this day for me as well!

here's the kicker.... she tries tossing the blame back on me in her phone message! saying that i never called her, blah, blah, blah... when the last time i spoke to her, if it wasn't about her and her fabulous new home she didn't want to hear it, even though i had some pretty heavy stuff to tell, which i did regardless... well until "someone came to the door" and she said she would call me soon. i guess in the huge scale of things 3-4 months is soon LOL.

here's my thing, if you want to be in my life/have me in yours then act like it! don't keep messing with me... when all is fine and dandy, she's all about me in her life... but when life gets really hard for me she bolts. not only does she bolt, but she uses us, then moves into a new home and doesn't even tell us where!

we could be living on the street, been in the hospital, etc. and she wouldn't have a freaking clue!!! if she really cares then she needs to friggen act like it! ARRRG! (sorry.)

troy thinks the guilt got to her. but i wouldn't be surprised if she had some ulterior motive.

it's like she knew i was finally beginning to heal all those wounds and decided to rip them all back open.

well needless to say i didn't call her back. i am hesitant to, all she will do is throw it back on me like it's all my fault and if i call her on her stuff she will just change the subject and not learn a thing. i swear i would have better luck getting through to a log.

i really don't know what to do. i wish i was either strong enough to just call her out on everything, and i mean everything. or just cut her out of my life completely. but i'm not. some messed up part of me wants to have a mom soooooo bad. i swear i must like pain or something, either that or i am just a hopeless fool.

anyway, to sum it all up, my christmas was a roller coaster of emotions.

oh, and then we had to go to his parents house, which i was NOT in the mood for. his younger sister literally tells you what you are thinking, feeling, etc. which is tough enough to take on a good day LOL. so i just ate dinner and bit my tongue. LOL. she's a know it all that still lives at home and has never been on her own ever, and she's like 31. whereas i have been on my own since 19 and had been working since 15 so yeah, it can be frustrating LOL. she even got on troy's nerves pretty bad tonight, and that's saying something LOL.

well enough of my complaining. i hope everyone else had a much better holiday.

thank you all for your love and support! i love you all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DAY 31: december 17, 2009

so right now our world is kinda crazy, and to top it off that little kitten merlin isn't doing so good...
merlin is still alive, for now. it appears the little guy was not only poisoned but also shot. he has an entry and exit wound, about 4 inches deep. well thanks to that wound it has lead into a horrid infection, and infection so bad that it is now eating his flesh. this now makes taking care of him very hard for us since it's contagious not only to other animals (we have cats and a dog) but also to people. we have called just about every vet office and they won't issue the meds for it without seeing him first. well that's all fine and dandy except...
1. he's a wild cat
2. we have ourselves and our pets to worry about
3. we just don't have the money for a vet visit

it is soooooo frustrating for us. we now have to watch this sweet kitten get eaten alive. =( we are going to call animal control today to see if there's anything they can do.

it is so sad, all his family members won't go near him because they know something is very wrong with him. what hurts the most is the little guy was really bouncing back before this hit hard. =(

why do troy and i get sooo attached sooo quickly to these little critters. i wish there was more we could do, but we are/have done all that we can.

just had to get this off my chest.

as always, thank you for your love and support, i love you all!!!!

(i will update later after my (much) needed class tonight at the rec. center. it's all about opening the heart <3 )

UPDATE:
class went really well, everyone really seemed to enjoy it! so yay!

DAY 29-30: december 15-16 2009

i love and care for my body, and it loves and cares for me...

there's really nothing to post about yesterday LOL.

so today i began working on the videos for the 30 day challenge. i did 3 days so far, my energy levels still aren't fully back so i didn't push myself too hard, which ended up being a blessing in disguise as i had to sub a 7pm high impact yoga class. let's just say that after a total of 2 hours o high impact yoga i am sleepy LOL.

troy was soo sweet today, when i was getting ready to leave he said i was a 10. he keeps saying these amazing things and i don't know how to respond LOL. i am great at giving compliments, horrible at taking them LOL. but it did help with my confidence for subbing the class.

i have no idea if anyone liked the class, it's always so hard to tell when you are subbing for someone. i just did my thing and was myself and if they didn't like i am sorry. it's not my fault their instructor called me at 5:30pm saying she "wasn't in the mood" to instruct her class. i feel amazing after my classes and i look forward to them. i swear sometimes i need them more than the clients LOL. and if i am having an off day i think that's when i need to push myself to go more than ever. but whatever, i am thankful for the opportunity. i am just having a hard time understanding the logic LOL.

well all my cute reindeer are ready for tomorrow, let's hope their eyes and noses stay on long enough for the people to get them LOL.

well that's about all i can think of at the moment, kinda wiped out as you can imagine.

thank you all for your love and support, i love you!!!!

DAY 26-28: december 12-14, 2009

i deserve to have a great life!

december 12-13, 2009
had an amazing class on the 12th. not a whole lot to report these two days, as i got my period and had to take it easy. so i mostly rested. it was kind of annoying though, after my class that saturday i became wicked tired, so i took a nap, woke up from it and then got slammed with my period LOL.


december 14, 2009

i had an amazing day today! first i made some cute candy cane reindeer, then hopped in the shower. after i finished getting ready i loaded up my reindeer and went to frances' house to do some yoga. i made the reindeer for her two cute little girls. they both loved the reindeer, so yay! after frances and i did some yoga, with sydney doing some killer yoga moves of her own LOL. gotta love almost 5 year olds LOL. she has more energy then most people on earth i tell ya LOL.

after yoga we sat and had some herbal coffee and just chatted. it was really nice. then her husband came home and made some home-made spring rolls (with rice paper for her since she can't have wheat or gluten like me). then she insisted on me staying for dinner. the spring rolls were amazing! her hubby is an awesome cook! after dinner we chatted some more. it felt soooo good to just sit and chat with someone. we have a lot in common too and sorta similar backgrounds, which is kinda nice. makes us not feel so alone.

as i was getting ready to go her daughters wanted to do a little more yoga with me, so we did about 45 min. more hehe. it was tooo funny, when syndey went into downward-facing dog she shouted, this makes me fart. we both laughed soo hard LOL. then her youngest elena went into it and let out a very loud fart. we couldn't believe it! so it's now lovingly referred to in their house as downward-farting dog LOL. after that i was pretty tired, of course sydney wasn't though LOL. so i packed up my stuff and came back home. i was there from 3pm till almost 9! i couldn't believe it hehe. was such a great day! she even insisted on paying me, which i didn't like. i mean, she made me dinner! but i could tell if i pushed it she would take offense. they are all such sweet and good people!

well that's about it, i am now dog tired lol. i swear little kids suck all the energy out of you and place it into them LOL.

well thank you all for your love and support, i love you all!!!!

DAY 25: december 11, 2009

my body is capable of so many amazing things...

so i am pretty proud of myself, i have been doing 1-2 hours a day of my own personal yoga practice. my body has been really opening up lately and is letting me do some things i never thought were possible. plus nothing beats a good workout session! give me a few rounds of sun salutations over any other type of exercise any ol' day hehe.

i am looking forward to tomorrow! i have my class in the morning at the studio, then in the afternoon i am going to a client's house for a private session! should be a yoga fun filled day!

well that's about it here, as always, thank you for all your love and support! i love you all!!!!!

DAY 24: december 10, 2009

had the most amazing class at the rec. center tonight! only 2 people showed up so we did a semi-private type class, it was awesome! having such an intimate environment allowed them to ask more questions and open up in ways they would never have if it was a normal class. i was also better able to help them with adjustments and poses that were tailored to their needs. they both seemed to really appreciate it as well! i got some pretty amazing compliments!

i am soo happy that God blessed me with my life path so early. maybe because i have been through soo much already he cut me a little slack LOL.

other than that i have been doing pretty good. =)

DAYS 21-23: december 7-9, 2009

i deserve love, happiness, and success...

so there hasn't been much to report lately which is either a good or a bad thing LOL.
since the sun came back out my energy levels & depression have improved. i guess i really am that sensitive LOL.

as many of you know we have been trying to save merlin, the stray kitten, since he was poisoned (we believe). he is still alive. today was tough, with a lot of touch and go moments. emotions have been high to say the least. but we've done all we can do for the little guy... we're just hoping and praying now.

on a side note, troy brought some new information about my birthgiver (oh he is now pretty sure that i didn't come from that woman LOL he's been making jokes that there's another lady out there that's my mom LOL, he knows i am my father's daughter though! <3 ) that opened the healing wounds a little. but, and you will be proud of me, i didn't let it ruin my night. i pushed all the anger, pain, and tears (they were building up under the eyes...) out of my mind and focused on the good in my life!

aside from that i subbed a class last night at the rec. center which was a lot fun. instructing brings me such joy! then today i have a private session with a client, which again made my day! they even bought my simply restorative dvd! i am soo touched (and surprised) that people want my dvd's LOL.

so i have a big day ahead of me tomorrow, filming videos for the 30 day challenge, then instructing my class at the rec. center in the evening! should be a yoga-fun-filled day!!!

thank you all again for all your love & support! i love you all!!!

DAY 19-20: december 5-6, 2009

not much too report for these 2 days, just very tired all the time. hormones plus no sun equals a sleepy april LOL

other than that i have just been doing my thing. i will update later today with today's update hehe.

thanks for all your love and support, i love you all!!!! <3

DAY 18: december 4, 2009

i have an amazing family...

so i was in the middle of getting ready for the day when troy grabbed me and pulled me back into bed declaring that we were taking the day off LOL. we both have been working so hard and i have been having a hard time latey, what with winter blues, depression, emotional pain that i am working though, oh and hormones LOL.

first we took some old cereal and grabbed mojito and went to a local park. it was really nice, there was like no one else there! so first we feed the ducks, which apparently i caused a bit of gang war between the two sides LOL. there were two groups of ducks and neither liked the other very much. they were pecking and biting each other instead of the food, i felt bad. silly ducks i tell ya. i don't know why the first group even followed me over to the other side of the pond if they hate the others so much LOL.

after that we let mojito just run and run, oh and pee on anything and everything LOL. he has a serious leaf fetish, he must pee on any leaf he runs across LOL.

at the end of this amazing park visit i declared that we should do that every friday afternoon!

then we ran to the store to grab a couple of items, then headed home and watched a t.v. and a movie in bed on my laptop. not having a t.v. or couch can have it's upsides at times hehe.

it was just an amazing day! and a much needed day!

how did i get so lucky to find a man like troy! i love him more than he will ever know!

well that's about it, hehe.

as always, thank you for your support and love! i love you all!!!!

DAY 17: december 3, 2009

today, i will concentrate on taking one step forward, however small...

been battling the blues again today, i really hate this time of year. i am really beginning to think i am one of those that suffer from winter blues. i just feeling like crying and i have no idea why. =(

my 5:30pm class can't come fast enough today, i don't know who benefits more, me or the clients LOL. i guess it depends on the day huh? well i am pretty sure today it's me lol.

something about instructing a class is very therapeutic to me for some reason, and it goes beyond the fact that i am doing yoga. maybe it's because i, in my own little way, am helping people. whether it's just stretching their muscles or helping them de-stress after a long day at work. about an hour to go before i have to instruct it.

i really wish the holiday season would just come and go and spring would come back already. i miss you spring!!!

sorry i totally having blogger ADD today.

today has been a recoup day for me, mostly, since i have been pushing myself soo hard lately. tomorrow i start filming all the videos for the 30 day challenge, so let's hope i get a good night's sleep or else it will just be 30 minutes of laying there in corpse pose LOL. i really hope people like the challenge and all that i have put into it. i finished making all the basic pages, which includes a healthy recipe and helpful tips. a lot of work went into just that part alone. then there was coming up with what i wanted the workouts to be for the 30 days. i am making it so that with each day you can actually go back to the previous ones and do an entire workout. the first day is a warm-up stretching day, this i know for sure, then day two is sun salutations, which is a grouping of poses done to create heat in the body and aids in allowing for an easier and smoother workout, the sun salutations also help build strength and stamina. but here i go again on another yoga tangent, sorry. anyway, so yeah worried about that.

well i better finish getting ready as i have to see my boss before class to pick up business cards that i am suppose to handout. apparently it helps promote my class and offers whomever get's it a free day at the rec. center. not 100% sure on it all, lol.

well anyway, thank you all for your love and support, i love you all!!!!!!!!!!!

****** UPDATE *******

had an amazing class tonight! got an amazing review from a client about my simply restorative dvd so yay me!!! hehe. had a new lady come tonight, she was too cute, first timer at the rec. center. she did really good! she may even start coming to the studio and will possibly buy one of my dvd's so another yay me! hehe.

i realized something tonight, i truly, with every inch of my soul, love instructing yoga. i feel like this is why God placed me here, that and to meet and marry the most amazing man ever! hehe. but everything feels sooooo right about it. i just be me and teach the way i am comfortable, and people seem to like it. not all will of course, especially the super crazy yoga people, the ones that take it all a little too seriously, but the "normal" yoga people hehe. i do yoga for the people not the people who think they are elite hehe. anyway, i truly love doing what i am doing! i hope that one day i am blessed with the opportunity to have my own studio. well that's it for the update, just had to mention the class hehe.

night and namaste*

* i get asked all the time what this means, it means: the light in me honors the light in you. so basically it's my soul acknowledging, honoring, and thank yours. <3 (basically it's like the best thank you ever LOL)

DAY 16: december 2, 2009

i am worthy of love!

so i was battling a major case of the blues today, not sure why exactly, i think part of it stems from self doubt. i am afraid i am not a very good yoga instructor, i am afraid that my new idea (the 30 day challenge) will be a complete flop, etc.

but then i was standing in the kitchen and my amazing hubby walked up behind me and held me in his amazing arms and said in my ear, "i am so proud of you. sometimes i wake up in the middle of the night and think about how proud and lucky i am to have you". i about broke into tears. of course being myself i have to ask if he truly means it, and he replied, of course. lol. one day i won't fear that things like this said to me are only said to make me feel better and have no real feelings behind them. just like how i think he's crazy (and blind) for thinking i am beautiful.

i am very blessed. even though life is in a pretty crappy stage at the moment, it is also revealing to me some real gems. i have some pretty amazing friends, family, and "adopted" family members. but above all (and you all know i love you all!) i have the most amazing husband! he loves me no matter what, even if i am a bit nuts at times lol. i never forget this, but sometimes i let the bad in life get to me and don't focus enough on the good. and in the good department i am rich with real love. so what if my birth mother has never and will never love me the way she should, i have people in my life that love me more than i think i realize and that's a pretty awesome thing!!!

so as always, thank you all for supporting and loving me, i love you all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DAY 15: december 1, 2009

my possibilities are endless

happy december everyone! i think winter has finally arrived in arizona LOL.

i am doing a bit better today, i still have some ups and downs throughout the day, nothing like that emotional roller coaster right? LOL.

i am trying to focus on just the positive, which can be hard at times.

we went to the park today with boo (aka mojito) which was good for all of us. nothing like some fresh air and sunshine to make you feel better. =)

other than that there really isn't much to report today. which i guess is kinda good right? LOL

well i am off to do some yoga before i curl up in bed and watch heroes on my laptop with troy and boo. =)

i am pretty proud of myself how well i have adapted to all the changes we have had to make.

well night everyone and namaste!!!

as always, thank you all for your love and support! i love you all!

oh and a mini shout out goes to this wonderful woman i recently met (who also doesn't live in arizona LOL) you are a beautiful person marisa and it is an honor and a pleasure to know you!

DAY 14 update

here are some of the photos (there's over a 100 total LOL) from the shoot!

DAY 14: november 30, 2009

i like myself, i like myself, i like myself

so yesterday was the first time in at least 6 months that we went out on a date... probably not the smartest thing we did, money wise, but it was much needed. we both had a wonderful time! i can't wait till we are back on our feet and can do more of those. =)

i am suppose to be getting the pictures from the shoot in a few hours! i hope they turned out well. then it's on to editing and cropping them for the site! not a fun job, but it needs to be done. =)

yesterday i was having self image issues, i hate how little comments people make to me can multiply in my head until they have me in tears. i hope i can grow strong enough to let them just roll off my back. troy is amazing though, he verbally smacked some much needed sense into me LOL. part of my problem is that i physically compare myself to "perfect" women. why i do this i will never know. i never feel like i am pretty enough, or thin enough, or curvy (in those womanly places) enough, or my hair color is all wrong, etc. i need to accept that God made me the way i am for a reason and that i am beautiful. but needing to do this and believing it are two different worlds for me right now. i should be happy that my husband thinks i am "gorgeous", but see here's the thing with me, when he tells me this i think he is just trying to make me feel better deep down even though i know he would never lie to me, if that makes sense. i basically think any compliment tossed my way is to just make me feel better and has no real truth behind. i know this is messed up and that i need to not think this way, but the truth is i do. =( i wish there was some magic pill you could take that let you know when people are just bsing you or telling you the truth. and another to make me love myself, my whole self not just bits here and there. ugh...

so that's basically where i am lately, still reading my book and doing the exercises. i know that some days/weeks/etc. will be good days and others bad. i have a lot of pain and emotional scars to work through and that it will take time. i just need to have compassion and understanding for myself.

thank you all for reading and supporting and loving me. i love you all!!!

DAY 12 & DAY 13: november 29, 2009

i am fit, healthy, and attractive
(maybe if i say this enough i will believe it LOL)

i was too tired after the photo shoot yesterday to update, i apologize...

DAY 12

first, a huge sorry goes out to julie. i love you like a sister julie, and i am truly sorry.

so after the bombshell of information i found out yesterday i am still in a little shock. but a lot of why i am the way i am makes more sense. all in all i am glad i learned the truth from debbie. so thank you debbie!

so today's the big photo shoot, kinda stressed out about this one. this is the first big one since i lost all that weight. still uber self conscious about my body too. =( plus the photographer is troy's friend david who takes great photos but sometimes (well usually LOL) doesn't think before he speaks... should be interesting to say the least.

other than that i am doing ok, just super focused. i will let you all know how it goes!



DAY 13

so the photo shoot went well for the most part. david stuck his foot in his mouth a bunch of times, expected. the first was that he wouldn't let up on the fact that when i smile my cheeks puff out (got it, i have chipmunk cheeks), so it took me turning to him and saying, "well you can always photoshop someone else's face on mine" for him to get the point. (because i don't have enough hang-ups on my face.... at least this time he didn't suggest i get a chin implant.)

the next big time he stuck his foot in his mouth was when he was talking about my weightloss and told him that it was about 30lbs total, he asked how much i weigh now, which i replied with 105/106... then he counters it with.... "well my friend amber (who is this drop dead gorgeous 24 year old) is 114 and is 5'7", how tall are you?" i didn't know it was possible to go from feeling good about your body to feeling like a cow again in a split second but i did. but i quickly pushed that thought aside and focused on how far i have come. and darn it, i think i am doing pretty darn good! oh and just so you know, i told troy this and he said, one that's impossible since she is not anorexic and that's what she would have to be; and two her fake boobies are too big and too heavy for that to be possible LOL. i seriously love my husband. so that instantly made me feel better. he even admits that david just doesn't get it. he doesn't realize how what he says can hurt people.

oh, and after 4 hours of non-stop yoga, i am a little sore today LOL. but we got some great shots, at least from what i can tell on his camera.... i did a full wheel pose yesterday!!!!!!!!!!!! as you all know this has been one pose i have been working on. and i think i rocked it yesterday! i also did a pretty darn good headstand and an awesome bow pose! i can't wait to get the photos from him to show you all! we took about 150 pics yesterday and most of those are all different poses! i will say this, he did comment on how much my flexibility and strength has improved.

later today troy is taking me to the movies!!! we haven't seen a movie in like 6 months!?!? so i am pretty excited about that! YAY!

well that's about it for now, just mostly taking the day off to recover LOL. i plan on making some more videos for the website (office yoga and a couple others) so yeah. =D

thanks again for reading and supporting me, i love you all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DAY 11: november 27, 2009

my possibilites are endless...

so here i am, day 11, hehe. i am doing ok today, mostly just working hard on well work LOL.
had a good chat with my sister today, i love you debbie and wish we weren't on opposite sides of the US. =( our chat today helped me realize some things about myself...

one, i am too nice LOL. although i don't know if i can ever change this, it's who i am at my core. but i can stop trying so hard to please everyone (which usually involves me hurt in the end).

two, my mom is a horrible person and has really messed me up. on a funny side note, i compared her to herpes today LOL. which in a really weird way makes sense, as she lies low for awhile letting you begin to heal and get over everything, then she comes out of know where and plagues your life again LOL. so with that, my mom is now herpes LOL.

another thing we talked about is how i keep apologizing for needing love and attention. as debbie said, "i'm human, it's what we need". she told me today that my mom never held me, never really wanted anything to do with me, pretty much made it to where she had as little to do with me as possible. well it's no wonder i need constant reassurance that i won't be left or lots of hugs or kisses, or even just a holding of hands. i mean as a baby she would do this to me, i am still a little bit in shock over that one debbie lol. she also told me that for whatever messed up reason, tamar was the child she wanted. and i have to agree. she's treated tamar like a daughter, gone out of her way to give her whatever she wanted or needed. where as i had to beg to go to the doctor. for whatever reason, and i know that it has nothing to do with me, she just didn't want me. even before i was born she didn't want me.

on the plus side she did say that dad loved me very much and gave me as much love and attention as he could, which i clearly remember. i still have memories of laying on his belly watching star trek with him before bed... good times...he had the best embraces, no tension, just a strong loving hold. troy has one like that as well. when i lay in his arms i feel safe, at peace, at home...

i am beginning to think that at this stage in my life i am not suppose to have any friends out here, like maybe i am suppose to be healing myself now so that later i can enjoy the people i meet and not be self conscious and all. i tend to have a nice wall around me most of the time because i am so afraid of being hurt again. which i know isn't the best way to attract people lol. i have been in an emotional survival mode for so long i don't know how to just let my guard down. even troy told me i had quite the barrier up when he met him. i guess that really says something about him if he's willing to take the time to work his way through it hehe.

so that's about it for now. i learned a lot about myself and my past today, so all in all it was an interesting and productive one. =)

again, thank you all for all your love and support!!! i love you all!!!!!!!!!

DAY 10: november 26, 2009

family is any special person in your life, whether they be of blood or not...

so i got a lot of worried phone calls today about whether we were going to celebrate thanksgiving... well to answer your question...yes we did. i had a change of heart last night at about 10pm or so. i did about an hour and 40 minute yoga workout and it changed everything. i was happy at the end. it's amazing what a difference just moving and breathing can make, you have no idea. i went to bed happy and even woke up happy, which if you know me at all i am NOT a morning person LOL. troy always teases me that it's a shame i am allergic to caffeine LOL. a hot shower and some yoga usually help though. i am such a different person after either. sometimes if i am in a grumpy mood he turns to me and says, "how about taking out your mat and doing some yoga?" LOL.

in addition, when i awoke this morning and during our morning cuddle session (basically we sit in bed and just talk and pet mojito's belly LOL, sometimes we cuddle up together, but usually those times lead to about an hour delay of some kind LOL) we decided to take the whole day off. now i can't remember the last time we took a day off, which usually means it's long overdue. so we did. we cuddled in bed and watched some of our favorite t.v. shows, he played a video game, i read a book, then we got ready to go to his parents house for thanksgiving dinner.

everyone was in a great mood, and his mom even ate with us! usually she just hovers and watches us eat, not fun i might add LOL. dinner was wonderful, she went all out. the turkey was super yummy and there were a ton of veggies. mojito even got some turkey. everyone was pleasant to one another as well. troy and i even took a stroll outside with mojito, the air was so clean with a slight breeze and about 70-80 degrees out. it was amazing. i totally wanted to eat outside LOL. mojito charged a cat that was like 3 times his size, it was pretty funny. well we thought so the cat was trying to figure out what the heck he was LOL.

after dinner we came back home and curled up to watch some more t.v. and spend some time together. all in all it was a pretty darn good day! tomorrow we have to work extra hard, but if you ask me it was totally worth it!

on a funny side note, the moment i walked in their door the first thing his mom and younger sister said to me (even before hi) was, "oh my gosh you're so thin!" LOL. i guess i have changed a lot (body wise) since the last time they saw me LOL. it was too funny though and totally took me off guard.

i also had a good (but short) conversation with my amazing sister debbie, my adopted mom marcia, and even my grandma! troy and i are planning that as soon as we can we will be spending that holiday out there with everyone, either thanksgiving or xmas, depends on well everything LOL.

the main question in a lot of people's status' today was: what are you thankful for.... well here's what i am thankful for...
an amazing husband (and a cute pup)
amazing friends and family that love me for me
for the wonderful gifts that God has blessed me with
for the opportunities awaiting me around the corner
for life...

thank you everyone for all your love and support, it means the world to me! i love you all!!!

happy turkey day to do all, and to all full bellies! <3

during my search for the perfect image for the top of the page i ran across this one and it made me laugh, so i thought i would share it with you all. <3

DAY 9: november 25, 2009

i am worthy of love

so i realized today why this holiday season has affected me more than the others... in the past i have always seen elaine around or on the holidays (even if she didn't celebrate them, we at least saw each other). this year will be the first year ever where i have 0 of my(side) family to spend it with. so it's hit me pretty hard... dad is in heaven, debbie, marsha (annie, tyler), grandma, cyndi (and her 2 kids) all live back east... out here it's just elaine and tamar, but neither of them have anything to do with me. family is such an important thing to me. i have had a hard time getting in the holiday spirit since dad died in 2003 and all this with elaine made me hit my breaking point. i don't want to celebrate any holidays this year, i don't want to see anyone (but my hubby and mojito of course). at most i want to just go see a movie. does this make me a bad person?

maybe if we were better financially i might be more up for it, but i doubt it this year. i am just so over it all this year.

sorry to be a bit of a downer, i should be better after tomorrow.

troy is such a sweetheart, he offered to let me just stay home and he would go to his parents house, but it's not fair to send him in there alone, who knows what mood his mom will be in and what drama could happen. same with his little sister. the holidays seem to bring out the uber crazy in those two, let me tell ya. plus, they both have been bad mouthing the two of us behind our backs for sometime now and it's hard not to speak up and say anything. i know if i do it will just make life even worse for his dad, who is the sweetest man ever. so we sit in awkwardness while his mom watches us all eat (she only eats fresh fruits and veggies, and why she can't just make herself a plate and eat with us is beyond me, guess it just helps to add to the awkwardness of the whole event).

he did say that we are going to do an eat by, which i feel a little bad about, but the truth is we have soo much work to do that we really don't have the time to waste talking about nothing and being uncomfortable the whole time.

i hope it's not a drama filled event, and i am praying none of them bring up elaine. they all know about her and her lack of, well everything, i just don't want to talk about it tomorrow. i might just crumble in front of them all and that would not be good.

on a funny side note, mojito will be wearing the cutest shirt ever! it says, "no squirrels may pass, i am the squirrel master" which is too funny since even a squirrel is a giant to him LOL.

well, happy thanksgiving to everyone. i am thankful for you all and all your love!

DAY 8: november 24, 2009

i deserve to be healed

kind went backwards a little today... battled with mild depression. part of it stemmed from issues i had with making my new dvd... the files somehow got corrupt and i had to start all over with a new program. so it felt like i had wasted hours upon hours for nothing. kinda frustrating...

then there's all the stupid drama that comes with thanksgiving... his mom is being special and causing headaches for the rest of us... then troy went off on a huge tangent about how upset he is at elaine (the woman who gave birth to me) and how if she ever calls again she is going to get an earful (and she totally deserves it too). but it doesn't change the fact that there is pain and hurt on the subject. he hit the nail on the head today... he said, "when i needed her the most she was no where to be found... that it's really sad that people on the internet have cared for me more than she has..."

i just don't get how you can carry this child inside of you for 9 months, give birth to it, but not feel love for it. but toss a puppy or a cute cat in her sights and then you see love (or tamar for that matter). the last time we spoke she asked how mojito was, not how troy or i were, but mojito. now don't get me wrong i love him as much as i would if i gave birth to him, but that's just wrong LOL. i have always been there for her when she needed to vent or complain, or whatever... but then again this is a woman who leaves disasters wherever she goes... i called her hurricane elaine or tornado elaine (basically any type of natural disaster) the other day. she doesn't care about anyone but herself and she doesn't care what happens to anyone or anything around her, as long as she is happy and gets her way, regardless of the wreckage she leaves behind.

with that said, it is a wonder why i am surprised at why and how she does things LOL. like that saying goes, you just can't understand a crazy person.

well on the plus side, i got everything fixed on the dvd and have 3 copies ready to go out tomorrow! (although 1 is for a client i see on saturday, but still LOL).

i also spent some time doing some much needed yoga. i continued to practice some harder poses, like crane, wheel, and headstand. i was rocking headstand today, so that helped perk up my spirits! i was doing an awesome crane till troy came home and scared the crap out of me (i was right by the front door lol) and totally lost control and crashed like a very sad crane LOL. and i am getting better at wheel pose. due to the fact that i have a deep arch and have suffered from back problems in the past i have been having issues getting my arms completely straight, it would just put too much strain on my spine. the most i have gotten them straight is about 45-50% but today i hit about 10-15% so YAY ME! i know i can do it, i just have to keep working at it! =D plus my arm strength has increased greatly, which surprised me! LOL. this became very evident when i was able to do a full headstand away from the wall, it's a lot of arm and core strength, and boy is it an amazing workout! then there's crane pose of course which is all arm and balance. and to think not that long ago i was living on heating pads, icy hot, and pain killers LOL.

so on that note, thank you all for reading and supporting me, i love you all!!!

night!

DAY 7: november 23, 2009

i am beautiful in mind, body, and spirit.

i complimented myself today.... this is a huge deal for me, i never compliment myself! but i did today. i am very proud of myself LOL.

this is something i have started to do whenever i do something right or good or am feeling down, i make it a point to point out something good i have done or about myself.

with editing all these videos, etc. it is forcing me to get use to seeing myself, good parts and bad. i am finding that i am becoming less critical of my faults. like i know my tummy isn't perfect, BUT i am continuing to work on it, so it's only temporary. and yes, i might not be able to do a certain pose YET, but if i keep working on it, who knows! =)

i am also getting more confident with my body and get this.... i looked at myself in the mirror yesterday and smiled and DIDNT cringe!!! i think that alone deserves a mini cupcake party, i don't know about you!

other than that, just working hard on the site and videos/dvd's.

again, thank you to everyone who loves and supports me, i love you all SOOOOOOOOOO much!

DAY 6: november 22, 2009

The fire within me burns through all blocks and fears

so here i am on day 6, and i am feeling pretty darn good! i will admit that i am a little sad by the fact that she hasn't called, and that thanksgiving is this thursday and it doesn't look like anything special is going to happen. family drama strikes again... we are actually contemplating about just going to the movies that day and having a fun day together. we don't have the money to have a nice turkey dinner or anything, so unless we are having it at his parent's house (which doesn't look likely at the moment) we really won't be celebrating this year. =( last year he was very sick, so we weren't able to celebrate it then. i guess the main thing is that we will be together that day, doing what doesn't really matter right?

other than a touch of holiday blues i am good hehe. completed the trailer for my new dvd, so yay there! i will be filming most of today, which i love, because it means i am able to help people out there i normally wouldn't be able to!

reading my self help book any time i can. i am really enjoying it so far and it's opening my eyes to some interesting points. i think it will really help me.

so all in all i am moving steadily along the track of learning to love myself entirely!

have a great sunday and again, thank you to all that love and support me, i love you all!!!!

DAY 5: november 21, 2009

Spent energy in my body, mind, and soul flows away from me, and I thankfully accept all things that refresh me

i apologize for the late posting, had a very busy morning. was up till about 1am working on a copy of my simply restorative dvd for one of my clients in my 11:30am class. then woke up at 7am to continue working on it, finished it at 10:30am LOL. of course when you have a deadline that's when computers laugh in your face right? but i got it all done and he seemed quite pleased, so YAY!

so i have begun referring to my "mother" only as "the woman who gave birth to me" lately. this is helping me break away from it all. because in my world, the definition of mother has the word LOVE in it. and she clearly doesn't fit that definition.

everyday that passes i feel stronger and more confident in myself. i am still battling self image demons, but i know those will take time, they formed after almost 29 years of time, it will take time to heal the wounds... on a funny note, all this video editing is forcing me to see myself A LOT LOL. i am starting to find some positives now with my body... still working on the face. =(

i have also felt guilty for the way some people have been treating me for losing all the weight i have. which i know now is very silly. i have worked so hard (and continue to) to lose the weight and tone my body. anyone can do the same. so the next time someone makes a snide remark or gives me a dirty look i am simply going to say to myself, "i have worked hard to achieve what i have now". if they have a problem with the way i look, then that is their problem not mine.

ok, this is about all my tired brain can compose for now hehe.

thank you for reading and thank you to everyone for their love and support! i love you all!!!!

DAY 4: november 20, 2009

No matter how dark my path may be at times, it leads to light.

today is off to a much better start! had a wonderful class last night at the rec. center. i don't know who benefits more, me or the clients LOL.

today i am very focused! i will be filming my simply restorative dvd today and hope to have it up for sale very soon! and i will be making a trailer for this one as well, i promise to add music to it this time LOL.

i haven't put myself down once today, which is a big thing for me! i know it's only 11am, but usually i would have insulted myself about 20 times LOL. i feel strong today. i feel like i can overcome this issue, and that i WILL heal the wounds inflicted by the people of my past.

reading my self help book anytime i have a spare moment, which isn't a whole lot lately, but even a little bit is better than nothing right?

well i am off to get ready for the film shoot! have legs to shave and hair curl! hehe. (can't have caveman legs for the video now can i? hehe)

huge thanks go out to all the amazing people God has blessed me with!

also, thank you greta for our chat yesterday, i needed that. it's nice to know i am not alone.

also thank you to cybermom, meg and dyan, you all rock! i love you all!!!!!!!

DAY 3: november 19, 2009

again, posted on facebook...

on DAY 3 of letting go and loving herself completely.... So far it's off to a rough an emotional start, tears have been shed. Had an epiphany during a dream and it's like someone took the blinders off. I am thankful for the dream but it's hit me pretty hard...

greta: dreams can do that .. I have had a few the past month or so .. left me pretty emotional but in the end the thinking they made me do has really been a good thing. Each Day is a new opportunity for blessing, I will pray for you. Things will keep getting better!

meghan: I "liked" before I read completely... I'm sorry you're having a rough time. But just think how much better off you'll be after you get through this! (((HUGS))) xoxo

me: greta: yes, i completely agree, and thank you so much, you are such an amazing person and your love and support mean the world to me!

meghan: you are too cute, i didn't even see the like LOL. i know in my heart that i am doing the right thing, no one ever said the journey would easy right? i am blessed to have people like you here helping me though!

i love you both!!!!!! ♥ ♥ ♥
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my dream was about finally realizing that i have been giving all of myself to my mother in hope that she will love me the way i want and need her to, and then realizing that i could give her the world and it still wouldn't change who is she... pretty deep stuff to start the day off with. it was like someone took my blinders off and smacked me in the face LOL. i am thankful for having the dream (which had me giving mojito to her in hope that she would love, but instead she doesn't take care of mojito and didn't treat me any differently. i grabbed my sweet pup and kissed him like a million times already LOL. i even told him i would never, ever give him away, EVER!)
i thank God for blessing me with such an amazingly profound dream...

DAY 2: november 18, 2009

again, posted on facebook....

on DAY 2 of letting go and loving herself complely! I will this say this again and again till my taurus of a brain lets it sink in completely (not just on the surface, i am talking all the way down into my soul, sinking in).... I AM NOT MY MOTHER'S WORDS!!!! =D (feels soooooo good saying that by the way!)

meghan: You are AWESOME!!

me: aww thanks hun!

greta: April you are such a loving, caring, wonderful person, I am so blessed to have you in my life!!!!! Thanks for being you!

me: aww thank you greta! i feel the same way about you! ♥ (hooray for video games is all i will say LOL)

greta: ditto! ♥
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i met meghan, greta, drew, and heather all through a video game, who knew i would met my best friends through one LOL.

i also went out and got a book this day... the mindful path to self-compassion... just started it, but i think it will really help! (in addition to the amazing support team i have!)

I LOVE YOU ALL!!!!

DAY 1: november 17, 2009

i originally posted these first couple of facebook before i got the idea to make this blog... i will copy and past everything from there:

learning to let go and love herself completely... i am not my mother's words....

cybermom*: That's AWESOME. I am SO proud of you!!!! You ROCK.

me: aww thank you, i know it will take time, 28 years of dealing with it just doesn't disappear, but i am putting my foot down and not letting her unkind words and thoughts affect me anymore! i ♥ u!

cybermom: GOOD GIRL!!!!

me: thank you! and thanks to amazing people like you, who love and believe in me, i think i can get through this and completely heal myself! ♥

cybermom: Of course you can! You are a strong woman. Listen to me, and to Troy, and the others who love you and have your best interest in their heart. You'll be fine.

me: thank you, and i am, from now on. i am no longer listening to the opinions of jerks LOL.

drew: ♥

berwyn: From one who has been there....NO YOU ARE NOT YOUR MOTHER'S WORDS. Some women should not have children with all the damage they do to their precious ones. Remember, GOD WILLED YOU TO LIVE not your mother. He gave you special gifts just like everyone else.
He formed you in the womb, knew every little detail of you. NO ONE IS LIKE YOU....not a ... Read Moresingle person. Satan knows what God created us for, so he spends our lives filling us with lies to confuse us....satan can even use a mother who has a heart in the wrong place. Kiss her goodbye.

me: drew: ♥ thanks hun!
berwyn: thank you soo much! that means a lot to me. you are the second person today to mention satan and my mom in the same sentence LOL. i am sensing a pattern here.
you are right, my mom should never have had children, but i thank God every day she did have me! (if that makes sense).

thank you all soooooo much for all your kind, loving words. it helps in breaking away from her and anyone who isn't good for me. i love you all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!! ♥ ♥ ♥

mom2 (aka marcia)*: Your "mother", and I use the term loosely, is so unhappy in her own life that she feels the need to degrade you to make herself feel better. I would say to pity her, but I don't want you to waste even that emotion on her. You and Deb are my girls and I am damn proud of the both of you! And your Dad is too...never forget that!!!

step mom (aka cyndi)*: Yes, Marcia is right! I am very proud of you and your Dad is too. Some people just should not have been Mothers... ♥

me: marcia: thank you! your words mean the world to me, you have no idea! thank you and i love you!
cyndi: thank you. LOL, everyone keeps saying that about her, too funny.

thank you all sooo much! who needs one crappy mom when you have soo many out there who love me! i love you all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ♥ ♥ ♥
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i learned a lot this day, i learned how many people i have in my life that truly love me! and some haven't even met me in real life! i find it a little sad that cybermom and i have never met in real life yet she cares for me more than my real mom has...

i am forever grateful and thankful for all the wonderful people i have been blessed with! i love you all!!!!

cybermom- this is a friend's mom who has lovingly "adopted" me.
mom2- this is my half sister's mom, who also has "adopted" me.
step mom- this is my father's wife, my actual step mom LOL.