DAY 14 update

here are some of the photos (there's over a 100 total LOL) from the shoot!

DAY 14: november 30, 2009

i like myself, i like myself, i like myself

so yesterday was the first time in at least 6 months that we went out on a date... probably not the smartest thing we did, money wise, but it was much needed. we both had a wonderful time! i can't wait till we are back on our feet and can do more of those. =)

i am suppose to be getting the pictures from the shoot in a few hours! i hope they turned out well. then it's on to editing and cropping them for the site! not a fun job, but it needs to be done. =)

yesterday i was having self image issues, i hate how little comments people make to me can multiply in my head until they have me in tears. i hope i can grow strong enough to let them just roll off my back. troy is amazing though, he verbally smacked some much needed sense into me LOL. part of my problem is that i physically compare myself to "perfect" women. why i do this i will never know. i never feel like i am pretty enough, or thin enough, or curvy (in those womanly places) enough, or my hair color is all wrong, etc. i need to accept that God made me the way i am for a reason and that i am beautiful. but needing to do this and believing it are two different worlds for me right now. i should be happy that my husband thinks i am "gorgeous", but see here's the thing with me, when he tells me this i think he is just trying to make me feel better deep down even though i know he would never lie to me, if that makes sense. i basically think any compliment tossed my way is to just make me feel better and has no real truth behind. i know this is messed up and that i need to not think this way, but the truth is i do. =( i wish there was some magic pill you could take that let you know when people are just bsing you or telling you the truth. and another to make me love myself, my whole self not just bits here and there. ugh...

so that's basically where i am lately, still reading my book and doing the exercises. i know that some days/weeks/etc. will be good days and others bad. i have a lot of pain and emotional scars to work through and that it will take time. i just need to have compassion and understanding for myself.

thank you all for reading and supporting and loving me. i love you all!!!

DAY 12 & DAY 13: november 29, 2009

i am fit, healthy, and attractive
(maybe if i say this enough i will believe it LOL)

i was too tired after the photo shoot yesterday to update, i apologize...

DAY 12

first, a huge sorry goes out to julie. i love you like a sister julie, and i am truly sorry.

so after the bombshell of information i found out yesterday i am still in a little shock. but a lot of why i am the way i am makes more sense. all in all i am glad i learned the truth from debbie. so thank you debbie!

so today's the big photo shoot, kinda stressed out about this one. this is the first big one since i lost all that weight. still uber self conscious about my body too. =( plus the photographer is troy's friend david who takes great photos but sometimes (well usually LOL) doesn't think before he speaks... should be interesting to say the least.

other than that i am doing ok, just super focused. i will let you all know how it goes!



DAY 13

so the photo shoot went well for the most part. david stuck his foot in his mouth a bunch of times, expected. the first was that he wouldn't let up on the fact that when i smile my cheeks puff out (got it, i have chipmunk cheeks), so it took me turning to him and saying, "well you can always photoshop someone else's face on mine" for him to get the point. (because i don't have enough hang-ups on my face.... at least this time he didn't suggest i get a chin implant.)

the next big time he stuck his foot in his mouth was when he was talking about my weightloss and told him that it was about 30lbs total, he asked how much i weigh now, which i replied with 105/106... then he counters it with.... "well my friend amber (who is this drop dead gorgeous 24 year old) is 114 and is 5'7", how tall are you?" i didn't know it was possible to go from feeling good about your body to feeling like a cow again in a split second but i did. but i quickly pushed that thought aside and focused on how far i have come. and darn it, i think i am doing pretty darn good! oh and just so you know, i told troy this and he said, one that's impossible since she is not anorexic and that's what she would have to be; and two her fake boobies are too big and too heavy for that to be possible LOL. i seriously love my husband. so that instantly made me feel better. he even admits that david just doesn't get it. he doesn't realize how what he says can hurt people.

oh, and after 4 hours of non-stop yoga, i am a little sore today LOL. but we got some great shots, at least from what i can tell on his camera.... i did a full wheel pose yesterday!!!!!!!!!!!! as you all know this has been one pose i have been working on. and i think i rocked it yesterday! i also did a pretty darn good headstand and an awesome bow pose! i can't wait to get the photos from him to show you all! we took about 150 pics yesterday and most of those are all different poses! i will say this, he did comment on how much my flexibility and strength has improved.

later today troy is taking me to the movies!!! we haven't seen a movie in like 6 months!?!? so i am pretty excited about that! YAY!

well that's about it for now, just mostly taking the day off to recover LOL. i plan on making some more videos for the website (office yoga and a couple others) so yeah. =D

thanks again for reading and supporting me, i love you all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DAY 11: november 27, 2009

my possibilites are endless...

so here i am, day 11, hehe. i am doing ok today, mostly just working hard on well work LOL.
had a good chat with my sister today, i love you debbie and wish we weren't on opposite sides of the US. =( our chat today helped me realize some things about myself...

one, i am too nice LOL. although i don't know if i can ever change this, it's who i am at my core. but i can stop trying so hard to please everyone (which usually involves me hurt in the end).

two, my mom is a horrible person and has really messed me up. on a funny side note, i compared her to herpes today LOL. which in a really weird way makes sense, as she lies low for awhile letting you begin to heal and get over everything, then she comes out of know where and plagues your life again LOL. so with that, my mom is now herpes LOL.

another thing we talked about is how i keep apologizing for needing love and attention. as debbie said, "i'm human, it's what we need". she told me today that my mom never held me, never really wanted anything to do with me, pretty much made it to where she had as little to do with me as possible. well it's no wonder i need constant reassurance that i won't be left or lots of hugs or kisses, or even just a holding of hands. i mean as a baby she would do this to me, i am still a little bit in shock over that one debbie lol. she also told me that for whatever messed up reason, tamar was the child she wanted. and i have to agree. she's treated tamar like a daughter, gone out of her way to give her whatever she wanted or needed. where as i had to beg to go to the doctor. for whatever reason, and i know that it has nothing to do with me, she just didn't want me. even before i was born she didn't want me.

on the plus side she did say that dad loved me very much and gave me as much love and attention as he could, which i clearly remember. i still have memories of laying on his belly watching star trek with him before bed... good times...he had the best embraces, no tension, just a strong loving hold. troy has one like that as well. when i lay in his arms i feel safe, at peace, at home...

i am beginning to think that at this stage in my life i am not suppose to have any friends out here, like maybe i am suppose to be healing myself now so that later i can enjoy the people i meet and not be self conscious and all. i tend to have a nice wall around me most of the time because i am so afraid of being hurt again. which i know isn't the best way to attract people lol. i have been in an emotional survival mode for so long i don't know how to just let my guard down. even troy told me i had quite the barrier up when he met him. i guess that really says something about him if he's willing to take the time to work his way through it hehe.

so that's about it for now. i learned a lot about myself and my past today, so all in all it was an interesting and productive one. =)

again, thank you all for all your love and support!!! i love you all!!!!!!!!!

DAY 10: november 26, 2009

family is any special person in your life, whether they be of blood or not...

so i got a lot of worried phone calls today about whether we were going to celebrate thanksgiving... well to answer your question...yes we did. i had a change of heart last night at about 10pm or so. i did about an hour and 40 minute yoga workout and it changed everything. i was happy at the end. it's amazing what a difference just moving and breathing can make, you have no idea. i went to bed happy and even woke up happy, which if you know me at all i am NOT a morning person LOL. troy always teases me that it's a shame i am allergic to caffeine LOL. a hot shower and some yoga usually help though. i am such a different person after either. sometimes if i am in a grumpy mood he turns to me and says, "how about taking out your mat and doing some yoga?" LOL.

in addition, when i awoke this morning and during our morning cuddle session (basically we sit in bed and just talk and pet mojito's belly LOL, sometimes we cuddle up together, but usually those times lead to about an hour delay of some kind LOL) we decided to take the whole day off. now i can't remember the last time we took a day off, which usually means it's long overdue. so we did. we cuddled in bed and watched some of our favorite t.v. shows, he played a video game, i read a book, then we got ready to go to his parents house for thanksgiving dinner.

everyone was in a great mood, and his mom even ate with us! usually she just hovers and watches us eat, not fun i might add LOL. dinner was wonderful, she went all out. the turkey was super yummy and there were a ton of veggies. mojito even got some turkey. everyone was pleasant to one another as well. troy and i even took a stroll outside with mojito, the air was so clean with a slight breeze and about 70-80 degrees out. it was amazing. i totally wanted to eat outside LOL. mojito charged a cat that was like 3 times his size, it was pretty funny. well we thought so the cat was trying to figure out what the heck he was LOL.

after dinner we came back home and curled up to watch some more t.v. and spend some time together. all in all it was a pretty darn good day! tomorrow we have to work extra hard, but if you ask me it was totally worth it!

on a funny side note, the moment i walked in their door the first thing his mom and younger sister said to me (even before hi) was, "oh my gosh you're so thin!" LOL. i guess i have changed a lot (body wise) since the last time they saw me LOL. it was too funny though and totally took me off guard.

i also had a good (but short) conversation with my amazing sister debbie, my adopted mom marcia, and even my grandma! troy and i are planning that as soon as we can we will be spending that holiday out there with everyone, either thanksgiving or xmas, depends on well everything LOL.

the main question in a lot of people's status' today was: what are you thankful for.... well here's what i am thankful for...
an amazing husband (and a cute pup)
amazing friends and family that love me for me
for the wonderful gifts that God has blessed me with
for the opportunities awaiting me around the corner
for life...

thank you everyone for all your love and support, it means the world to me! i love you all!!!

happy turkey day to do all, and to all full bellies! <3

during my search for the perfect image for the top of the page i ran across this one and it made me laugh, so i thought i would share it with you all. <3

DAY 9: november 25, 2009

i am worthy of love

so i realized today why this holiday season has affected me more than the others... in the past i have always seen elaine around or on the holidays (even if she didn't celebrate them, we at least saw each other). this year will be the first year ever where i have 0 of my(side) family to spend it with. so it's hit me pretty hard... dad is in heaven, debbie, marsha (annie, tyler), grandma, cyndi (and her 2 kids) all live back east... out here it's just elaine and tamar, but neither of them have anything to do with me. family is such an important thing to me. i have had a hard time getting in the holiday spirit since dad died in 2003 and all this with elaine made me hit my breaking point. i don't want to celebrate any holidays this year, i don't want to see anyone (but my hubby and mojito of course). at most i want to just go see a movie. does this make me a bad person?

maybe if we were better financially i might be more up for it, but i doubt it this year. i am just so over it all this year.

sorry to be a bit of a downer, i should be better after tomorrow.

troy is such a sweetheart, he offered to let me just stay home and he would go to his parents house, but it's not fair to send him in there alone, who knows what mood his mom will be in and what drama could happen. same with his little sister. the holidays seem to bring out the uber crazy in those two, let me tell ya. plus, they both have been bad mouthing the two of us behind our backs for sometime now and it's hard not to speak up and say anything. i know if i do it will just make life even worse for his dad, who is the sweetest man ever. so we sit in awkwardness while his mom watches us all eat (she only eats fresh fruits and veggies, and why she can't just make herself a plate and eat with us is beyond me, guess it just helps to add to the awkwardness of the whole event).

he did say that we are going to do an eat by, which i feel a little bad about, but the truth is we have soo much work to do that we really don't have the time to waste talking about nothing and being uncomfortable the whole time.

i hope it's not a drama filled event, and i am praying none of them bring up elaine. they all know about her and her lack of, well everything, i just don't want to talk about it tomorrow. i might just crumble in front of them all and that would not be good.

on a funny side note, mojito will be wearing the cutest shirt ever! it says, "no squirrels may pass, i am the squirrel master" which is too funny since even a squirrel is a giant to him LOL.

well, happy thanksgiving to everyone. i am thankful for you all and all your love!

DAY 8: november 24, 2009

i deserve to be healed

kind went backwards a little today... battled with mild depression. part of it stemmed from issues i had with making my new dvd... the files somehow got corrupt and i had to start all over with a new program. so it felt like i had wasted hours upon hours for nothing. kinda frustrating...

then there's all the stupid drama that comes with thanksgiving... his mom is being special and causing headaches for the rest of us... then troy went off on a huge tangent about how upset he is at elaine (the woman who gave birth to me) and how if she ever calls again she is going to get an earful (and she totally deserves it too). but it doesn't change the fact that there is pain and hurt on the subject. he hit the nail on the head today... he said, "when i needed her the most she was no where to be found... that it's really sad that people on the internet have cared for me more than she has..."

i just don't get how you can carry this child inside of you for 9 months, give birth to it, but not feel love for it. but toss a puppy or a cute cat in her sights and then you see love (or tamar for that matter). the last time we spoke she asked how mojito was, not how troy or i were, but mojito. now don't get me wrong i love him as much as i would if i gave birth to him, but that's just wrong LOL. i have always been there for her when she needed to vent or complain, or whatever... but then again this is a woman who leaves disasters wherever she goes... i called her hurricane elaine or tornado elaine (basically any type of natural disaster) the other day. she doesn't care about anyone but herself and she doesn't care what happens to anyone or anything around her, as long as she is happy and gets her way, regardless of the wreckage she leaves behind.

with that said, it is a wonder why i am surprised at why and how she does things LOL. like that saying goes, you just can't understand a crazy person.

well on the plus side, i got everything fixed on the dvd and have 3 copies ready to go out tomorrow! (although 1 is for a client i see on saturday, but still LOL).

i also spent some time doing some much needed yoga. i continued to practice some harder poses, like crane, wheel, and headstand. i was rocking headstand today, so that helped perk up my spirits! i was doing an awesome crane till troy came home and scared the crap out of me (i was right by the front door lol) and totally lost control and crashed like a very sad crane LOL. and i am getting better at wheel pose. due to the fact that i have a deep arch and have suffered from back problems in the past i have been having issues getting my arms completely straight, it would just put too much strain on my spine. the most i have gotten them straight is about 45-50% but today i hit about 10-15% so YAY ME! i know i can do it, i just have to keep working at it! =D plus my arm strength has increased greatly, which surprised me! LOL. this became very evident when i was able to do a full headstand away from the wall, it's a lot of arm and core strength, and boy is it an amazing workout! then there's crane pose of course which is all arm and balance. and to think not that long ago i was living on heating pads, icy hot, and pain killers LOL.

so on that note, thank you all for reading and supporting me, i love you all!!!

night!