DAY 39: december 25, 2009

this is our famous tumbleweed christmas tree in downtown chandler! it's right across the parking lot from the pilates studio i instruct at hehe.

happy holidays everyone!

so today started off great...
i woke up in my husbands arms, literally. always amazing. then spoke to meghan and her wonderful family on the phone, got a cute x-mas card from meg as well! it was shaping up into a wonderful day, considering everything....

then the phone rings... it's my mom. troy debated on telling me tomorrow so it wouldn't ruin my day, but being me i wouldn't be satisfied until i learned the truth anyway, so he just cut the chase and told me. after 3-4 months of nothing she calls. she moved last month and didn't even tell us where. so as you can imagine this hit me like a ton of bricks. i felt like i was about to lose my breakfast, breakdown in tears on the floor, or just punch a wall all at the same time. it was horrible! why couldn't she have called tomorrow, why today? with all that we are dealing with you have to ruin this day for me as well!

here's the kicker.... she tries tossing the blame back on me in her phone message! saying that i never called her, blah, blah, blah... when the last time i spoke to her, if it wasn't about her and her fabulous new home she didn't want to hear it, even though i had some pretty heavy stuff to tell, which i did regardless... well until "someone came to the door" and she said she would call me soon. i guess in the huge scale of things 3-4 months is soon LOL.

here's my thing, if you want to be in my life/have me in yours then act like it! don't keep messing with me... when all is fine and dandy, she's all about me in her life... but when life gets really hard for me she bolts. not only does she bolt, but she uses us, then moves into a new home and doesn't even tell us where!

we could be living on the street, been in the hospital, etc. and she wouldn't have a freaking clue!!! if she really cares then she needs to friggen act like it! ARRRG! (sorry.)

troy thinks the guilt got to her. but i wouldn't be surprised if she had some ulterior motive.

it's like she knew i was finally beginning to heal all those wounds and decided to rip them all back open.

well needless to say i didn't call her back. i am hesitant to, all she will do is throw it back on me like it's all my fault and if i call her on her stuff she will just change the subject and not learn a thing. i swear i would have better luck getting through to a log.

i really don't know what to do. i wish i was either strong enough to just call her out on everything, and i mean everything. or just cut her out of my life completely. but i'm not. some messed up part of me wants to have a mom soooooo bad. i swear i must like pain or something, either that or i am just a hopeless fool.

anyway, to sum it all up, my christmas was a roller coaster of emotions.

oh, and then we had to go to his parents house, which i was NOT in the mood for. his younger sister literally tells you what you are thinking, feeling, etc. which is tough enough to take on a good day LOL. so i just ate dinner and bit my tongue. LOL. she's a know it all that still lives at home and has never been on her own ever, and she's like 31. whereas i have been on my own since 19 and had been working since 15 so yeah, it can be frustrating LOL. she even got on troy's nerves pretty bad tonight, and that's saying something LOL.

well enough of my complaining. i hope everyone else had a much better holiday.

thank you all for your love and support! i love you all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DAY 31: december 17, 2009

so right now our world is kinda crazy, and to top it off that little kitten merlin isn't doing so good...
merlin is still alive, for now. it appears the little guy was not only poisoned but also shot. he has an entry and exit wound, about 4 inches deep. well thanks to that wound it has lead into a horrid infection, and infection so bad that it is now eating his flesh. this now makes taking care of him very hard for us since it's contagious not only to other animals (we have cats and a dog) but also to people. we have called just about every vet office and they won't issue the meds for it without seeing him first. well that's all fine and dandy except...
1. he's a wild cat
2. we have ourselves and our pets to worry about
3. we just don't have the money for a vet visit

it is soooooo frustrating for us. we now have to watch this sweet kitten get eaten alive. =( we are going to call animal control today to see if there's anything they can do.

it is so sad, all his family members won't go near him because they know something is very wrong with him. what hurts the most is the little guy was really bouncing back before this hit hard. =(

why do troy and i get sooo attached sooo quickly to these little critters. i wish there was more we could do, but we are/have done all that we can.

just had to get this off my chest.

as always, thank you for your love and support, i love you all!!!!

(i will update later after my (much) needed class tonight at the rec. center. it's all about opening the heart <3 )

UPDATE:
class went really well, everyone really seemed to enjoy it! so yay!

DAY 29-30: december 15-16 2009

i love and care for my body, and it loves and cares for me...

there's really nothing to post about yesterday LOL.

so today i began working on the videos for the 30 day challenge. i did 3 days so far, my energy levels still aren't fully back so i didn't push myself too hard, which ended up being a blessing in disguise as i had to sub a 7pm high impact yoga class. let's just say that after a total of 2 hours o high impact yoga i am sleepy LOL.

troy was soo sweet today, when i was getting ready to leave he said i was a 10. he keeps saying these amazing things and i don't know how to respond LOL. i am great at giving compliments, horrible at taking them LOL. but it did help with my confidence for subbing the class.

i have no idea if anyone liked the class, it's always so hard to tell when you are subbing for someone. i just did my thing and was myself and if they didn't like i am sorry. it's not my fault their instructor called me at 5:30pm saying she "wasn't in the mood" to instruct her class. i feel amazing after my classes and i look forward to them. i swear sometimes i need them more than the clients LOL. and if i am having an off day i think that's when i need to push myself to go more than ever. but whatever, i am thankful for the opportunity. i am just having a hard time understanding the logic LOL.

well all my cute reindeer are ready for tomorrow, let's hope their eyes and noses stay on long enough for the people to get them LOL.

well that's about all i can think of at the moment, kinda wiped out as you can imagine.

thank you all for your love and support, i love you!!!!

DAY 26-28: december 12-14, 2009

i deserve to have a great life!

december 12-13, 2009
had an amazing class on the 12th. not a whole lot to report these two days, as i got my period and had to take it easy. so i mostly rested. it was kind of annoying though, after my class that saturday i became wicked tired, so i took a nap, woke up from it and then got slammed with my period LOL.


december 14, 2009

i had an amazing day today! first i made some cute candy cane reindeer, then hopped in the shower. after i finished getting ready i loaded up my reindeer and went to frances' house to do some yoga. i made the reindeer for her two cute little girls. they both loved the reindeer, so yay! after frances and i did some yoga, with sydney doing some killer yoga moves of her own LOL. gotta love almost 5 year olds LOL. she has more energy then most people on earth i tell ya LOL.

after yoga we sat and had some herbal coffee and just chatted. it was really nice. then her husband came home and made some home-made spring rolls (with rice paper for her since she can't have wheat or gluten like me). then she insisted on me staying for dinner. the spring rolls were amazing! her hubby is an awesome cook! after dinner we chatted some more. it felt soooo good to just sit and chat with someone. we have a lot in common too and sorta similar backgrounds, which is kinda nice. makes us not feel so alone.

as i was getting ready to go her daughters wanted to do a little more yoga with me, so we did about 45 min. more hehe. it was tooo funny, when syndey went into downward-facing dog she shouted, this makes me fart. we both laughed soo hard LOL. then her youngest elena went into it and let out a very loud fart. we couldn't believe it! so it's now lovingly referred to in their house as downward-farting dog LOL. after that i was pretty tired, of course sydney wasn't though LOL. so i packed up my stuff and came back home. i was there from 3pm till almost 9! i couldn't believe it hehe. was such a great day! she even insisted on paying me, which i didn't like. i mean, she made me dinner! but i could tell if i pushed it she would take offense. they are all such sweet and good people!

well that's about it, i am now dog tired lol. i swear little kids suck all the energy out of you and place it into them LOL.

well thank you all for your love and support, i love you all!!!!

DAY 25: december 11, 2009

my body is capable of so many amazing things...

so i am pretty proud of myself, i have been doing 1-2 hours a day of my own personal yoga practice. my body has been really opening up lately and is letting me do some things i never thought were possible. plus nothing beats a good workout session! give me a few rounds of sun salutations over any other type of exercise any ol' day hehe.

i am looking forward to tomorrow! i have my class in the morning at the studio, then in the afternoon i am going to a client's house for a private session! should be a yoga fun filled day!

well that's about it here, as always, thank you for all your love and support! i love you all!!!!!

DAY 24: december 10, 2009

had the most amazing class at the rec. center tonight! only 2 people showed up so we did a semi-private type class, it was awesome! having such an intimate environment allowed them to ask more questions and open up in ways they would never have if it was a normal class. i was also better able to help them with adjustments and poses that were tailored to their needs. they both seemed to really appreciate it as well! i got some pretty amazing compliments!

i am soo happy that God blessed me with my life path so early. maybe because i have been through soo much already he cut me a little slack LOL.

other than that i have been doing pretty good. =)

DAYS 21-23: december 7-9, 2009

i deserve love, happiness, and success...

so there hasn't been much to report lately which is either a good or a bad thing LOL.
since the sun came back out my energy levels & depression have improved. i guess i really am that sensitive LOL.

as many of you know we have been trying to save merlin, the stray kitten, since he was poisoned (we believe). he is still alive. today was tough, with a lot of touch and go moments. emotions have been high to say the least. but we've done all we can do for the little guy... we're just hoping and praying now.

on a side note, troy brought some new information about my birthgiver (oh he is now pretty sure that i didn't come from that woman LOL he's been making jokes that there's another lady out there that's my mom LOL, he knows i am my father's daughter though! <3 ) that opened the healing wounds a little. but, and you will be proud of me, i didn't let it ruin my night. i pushed all the anger, pain, and tears (they were building up under the eyes...) out of my mind and focused on the good in my life!

aside from that i subbed a class last night at the rec. center which was a lot fun. instructing brings me such joy! then today i have a private session with a client, which again made my day! they even bought my simply restorative dvd! i am soo touched (and surprised) that people want my dvd's LOL.

so i have a big day ahead of me tomorrow, filming videos for the 30 day challenge, then instructing my class at the rec. center in the evening! should be a yoga-fun-filled day!!!

thank you all again for all your love & support! i love you all!!!

DAY 19-20: december 5-6, 2009

not much too report for these 2 days, just very tired all the time. hormones plus no sun equals a sleepy april LOL

other than that i have just been doing my thing. i will update later today with today's update hehe.

thanks for all your love and support, i love you all!!!! <3

DAY 18: december 4, 2009

i have an amazing family...

so i was in the middle of getting ready for the day when troy grabbed me and pulled me back into bed declaring that we were taking the day off LOL. we both have been working so hard and i have been having a hard time latey, what with winter blues, depression, emotional pain that i am working though, oh and hormones LOL.

first we took some old cereal and grabbed mojito and went to a local park. it was really nice, there was like no one else there! so first we feed the ducks, which apparently i caused a bit of gang war between the two sides LOL. there were two groups of ducks and neither liked the other very much. they were pecking and biting each other instead of the food, i felt bad. silly ducks i tell ya. i don't know why the first group even followed me over to the other side of the pond if they hate the others so much LOL.

after that we let mojito just run and run, oh and pee on anything and everything LOL. he has a serious leaf fetish, he must pee on any leaf he runs across LOL.

at the end of this amazing park visit i declared that we should do that every friday afternoon!

then we ran to the store to grab a couple of items, then headed home and watched a t.v. and a movie in bed on my laptop. not having a t.v. or couch can have it's upsides at times hehe.

it was just an amazing day! and a much needed day!

how did i get so lucky to find a man like troy! i love him more than he will ever know!

well that's about it, hehe.

as always, thank you for your support and love! i love you all!!!!

DAY 17: december 3, 2009

today, i will concentrate on taking one step forward, however small...

been battling the blues again today, i really hate this time of year. i am really beginning to think i am one of those that suffer from winter blues. i just feeling like crying and i have no idea why. =(

my 5:30pm class can't come fast enough today, i don't know who benefits more, me or the clients LOL. i guess it depends on the day huh? well i am pretty sure today it's me lol.

something about instructing a class is very therapeutic to me for some reason, and it goes beyond the fact that i am doing yoga. maybe it's because i, in my own little way, am helping people. whether it's just stretching their muscles or helping them de-stress after a long day at work. about an hour to go before i have to instruct it.

i really wish the holiday season would just come and go and spring would come back already. i miss you spring!!!

sorry i totally having blogger ADD today.

today has been a recoup day for me, mostly, since i have been pushing myself soo hard lately. tomorrow i start filming all the videos for the 30 day challenge, so let's hope i get a good night's sleep or else it will just be 30 minutes of laying there in corpse pose LOL. i really hope people like the challenge and all that i have put into it. i finished making all the basic pages, which includes a healthy recipe and helpful tips. a lot of work went into just that part alone. then there was coming up with what i wanted the workouts to be for the 30 days. i am making it so that with each day you can actually go back to the previous ones and do an entire workout. the first day is a warm-up stretching day, this i know for sure, then day two is sun salutations, which is a grouping of poses done to create heat in the body and aids in allowing for an easier and smoother workout, the sun salutations also help build strength and stamina. but here i go again on another yoga tangent, sorry. anyway, so yeah worried about that.

well i better finish getting ready as i have to see my boss before class to pick up business cards that i am suppose to handout. apparently it helps promote my class and offers whomever get's it a free day at the rec. center. not 100% sure on it all, lol.

well anyway, thank you all for your love and support, i love you all!!!!!!!!!!!

****** UPDATE *******

had an amazing class tonight! got an amazing review from a client about my simply restorative dvd so yay me!!! hehe. had a new lady come tonight, she was too cute, first timer at the rec. center. she did really good! she may even start coming to the studio and will possibly buy one of my dvd's so another yay me! hehe.

i realized something tonight, i truly, with every inch of my soul, love instructing yoga. i feel like this is why God placed me here, that and to meet and marry the most amazing man ever! hehe. but everything feels sooooo right about it. i just be me and teach the way i am comfortable, and people seem to like it. not all will of course, especially the super crazy yoga people, the ones that take it all a little too seriously, but the "normal" yoga people hehe. i do yoga for the people not the people who think they are elite hehe. anyway, i truly love doing what i am doing! i hope that one day i am blessed with the opportunity to have my own studio. well that's it for the update, just had to mention the class hehe.

night and namaste*

* i get asked all the time what this means, it means: the light in me honors the light in you. so basically it's my soul acknowledging, honoring, and thank yours. <3 (basically it's like the best thank you ever LOL)

DAY 16: december 2, 2009

i am worthy of love!

so i was battling a major case of the blues today, not sure why exactly, i think part of it stems from self doubt. i am afraid i am not a very good yoga instructor, i am afraid that my new idea (the 30 day challenge) will be a complete flop, etc.

but then i was standing in the kitchen and my amazing hubby walked up behind me and held me in his amazing arms and said in my ear, "i am so proud of you. sometimes i wake up in the middle of the night and think about how proud and lucky i am to have you". i about broke into tears. of course being myself i have to ask if he truly means it, and he replied, of course. lol. one day i won't fear that things like this said to me are only said to make me feel better and have no real feelings behind them. just like how i think he's crazy (and blind) for thinking i am beautiful.

i am very blessed. even though life is in a pretty crappy stage at the moment, it is also revealing to me some real gems. i have some pretty amazing friends, family, and "adopted" family members. but above all (and you all know i love you all!) i have the most amazing husband! he loves me no matter what, even if i am a bit nuts at times lol. i never forget this, but sometimes i let the bad in life get to me and don't focus enough on the good. and in the good department i am rich with real love. so what if my birth mother has never and will never love me the way she should, i have people in my life that love me more than i think i realize and that's a pretty awesome thing!!!

so as always, thank you all for supporting and loving me, i love you all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DAY 15: december 1, 2009

my possibilities are endless

happy december everyone! i think winter has finally arrived in arizona LOL.

i am doing a bit better today, i still have some ups and downs throughout the day, nothing like that emotional roller coaster right? LOL.

i am trying to focus on just the positive, which can be hard at times.

we went to the park today with boo (aka mojito) which was good for all of us. nothing like some fresh air and sunshine to make you feel better. =)

other than that there really isn't much to report today. which i guess is kinda good right? LOL

well i am off to do some yoga before i curl up in bed and watch heroes on my laptop with troy and boo. =)

i am pretty proud of myself how well i have adapted to all the changes we have had to make.

well night everyone and namaste!!!

as always, thank you all for your love and support! i love you all!

oh and a mini shout out goes to this wonderful woman i recently met (who also doesn't live in arizona LOL) you are a beautiful person marisa and it is an honor and a pleasure to know you!