DAY 7: november 23, 2009

i am beautiful in mind, body, and spirit.

i complimented myself today.... this is a huge deal for me, i never compliment myself! but i did today. i am very proud of myself LOL.

this is something i have started to do whenever i do something right or good or am feeling down, i make it a point to point out something good i have done or about myself.

with editing all these videos, etc. it is forcing me to get use to seeing myself, good parts and bad. i am finding that i am becoming less critical of my faults. like i know my tummy isn't perfect, BUT i am continuing to work on it, so it's only temporary. and yes, i might not be able to do a certain pose YET, but if i keep working on it, who knows! =)

i am also getting more confident with my body and get this.... i looked at myself in the mirror yesterday and smiled and DIDNT cringe!!! i think that alone deserves a mini cupcake party, i don't know about you!

other than that, just working hard on the site and videos/dvd's.

again, thank you to everyone who loves and supports me, i love you all SOOOOOOOOOO much!

DAY 6: november 22, 2009

The fire within me burns through all blocks and fears

so here i am on day 6, and i am feeling pretty darn good! i will admit that i am a little sad by the fact that she hasn't called, and that thanksgiving is this thursday and it doesn't look like anything special is going to happen. family drama strikes again... we are actually contemplating about just going to the movies that day and having a fun day together. we don't have the money to have a nice turkey dinner or anything, so unless we are having it at his parent's house (which doesn't look likely at the moment) we really won't be celebrating this year. =( last year he was very sick, so we weren't able to celebrate it then. i guess the main thing is that we will be together that day, doing what doesn't really matter right?

other than a touch of holiday blues i am good hehe. completed the trailer for my new dvd, so yay there! i will be filming most of today, which i love, because it means i am able to help people out there i normally wouldn't be able to!

reading my self help book any time i can. i am really enjoying it so far and it's opening my eyes to some interesting points. i think it will really help me.

so all in all i am moving steadily along the track of learning to love myself entirely!

have a great sunday and again, thank you to all that love and support me, i love you all!!!!

DAY 5: november 21, 2009

Spent energy in my body, mind, and soul flows away from me, and I thankfully accept all things that refresh me

i apologize for the late posting, had a very busy morning. was up till about 1am working on a copy of my simply restorative dvd for one of my clients in my 11:30am class. then woke up at 7am to continue working on it, finished it at 10:30am LOL. of course when you have a deadline that's when computers laugh in your face right? but i got it all done and he seemed quite pleased, so YAY!

so i have begun referring to my "mother" only as "the woman who gave birth to me" lately. this is helping me break away from it all. because in my world, the definition of mother has the word LOVE in it. and she clearly doesn't fit that definition.

everyday that passes i feel stronger and more confident in myself. i am still battling self image demons, but i know those will take time, they formed after almost 29 years of time, it will take time to heal the wounds... on a funny note, all this video editing is forcing me to see myself A LOT LOL. i am starting to find some positives now with my body... still working on the face. =(

i have also felt guilty for the way some people have been treating me for losing all the weight i have. which i know now is very silly. i have worked so hard (and continue to) to lose the weight and tone my body. anyone can do the same. so the next time someone makes a snide remark or gives me a dirty look i am simply going to say to myself, "i have worked hard to achieve what i have now". if they have a problem with the way i look, then that is their problem not mine.

ok, this is about all my tired brain can compose for now hehe.

thank you for reading and thank you to everyone for their love and support! i love you all!!!!

DAY 4: november 20, 2009

No matter how dark my path may be at times, it leads to light.

today is off to a much better start! had a wonderful class last night at the rec. center. i don't know who benefits more, me or the clients LOL.

today i am very focused! i will be filming my simply restorative dvd today and hope to have it up for sale very soon! and i will be making a trailer for this one as well, i promise to add music to it this time LOL.

i haven't put myself down once today, which is a big thing for me! i know it's only 11am, but usually i would have insulted myself about 20 times LOL. i feel strong today. i feel like i can overcome this issue, and that i WILL heal the wounds inflicted by the people of my past.

reading my self help book anytime i have a spare moment, which isn't a whole lot lately, but even a little bit is better than nothing right?

well i am off to get ready for the film shoot! have legs to shave and hair curl! hehe. (can't have caveman legs for the video now can i? hehe)

huge thanks go out to all the amazing people God has blessed me with!

also, thank you greta for our chat yesterday, i needed that. it's nice to know i am not alone.

also thank you to cybermom, meg and dyan, you all rock! i love you all!!!!!!!

DAY 3: november 19, 2009

again, posted on facebook...

on DAY 3 of letting go and loving herself completely.... So far it's off to a rough an emotional start, tears have been shed. Had an epiphany during a dream and it's like someone took the blinders off. I am thankful for the dream but it's hit me pretty hard...

greta: dreams can do that .. I have had a few the past month or so .. left me pretty emotional but in the end the thinking they made me do has really been a good thing. Each Day is a new opportunity for blessing, I will pray for you. Things will keep getting better!

meghan: I "liked" before I read completely... I'm sorry you're having a rough time. But just think how much better off you'll be after you get through this! (((HUGS))) xoxo

me: greta: yes, i completely agree, and thank you so much, you are such an amazing person and your love and support mean the world to me!

meghan: you are too cute, i didn't even see the like LOL. i know in my heart that i am doing the right thing, no one ever said the journey would easy right? i am blessed to have people like you here helping me though!

i love you both!!!!!! ♥ ♥ ♥
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my dream was about finally realizing that i have been giving all of myself to my mother in hope that she will love me the way i want and need her to, and then realizing that i could give her the world and it still wouldn't change who is she... pretty deep stuff to start the day off with. it was like someone took my blinders off and smacked me in the face LOL. i am thankful for having the dream (which had me giving mojito to her in hope that she would love, but instead she doesn't take care of mojito and didn't treat me any differently. i grabbed my sweet pup and kissed him like a million times already LOL. i even told him i would never, ever give him away, EVER!)
i thank God for blessing me with such an amazingly profound dream...

DAY 2: november 18, 2009

again, posted on facebook....

on DAY 2 of letting go and loving herself complely! I will this say this again and again till my taurus of a brain lets it sink in completely (not just on the surface, i am talking all the way down into my soul, sinking in).... I AM NOT MY MOTHER'S WORDS!!!! =D (feels soooooo good saying that by the way!)

meghan: You are AWESOME!!

me: aww thanks hun!

greta: April you are such a loving, caring, wonderful person, I am so blessed to have you in my life!!!!! Thanks for being you!

me: aww thank you greta! i feel the same way about you! ♥ (hooray for video games is all i will say LOL)

greta: ditto! ♥
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i met meghan, greta, drew, and heather all through a video game, who knew i would met my best friends through one LOL.

i also went out and got a book this day... the mindful path to self-compassion... just started it, but i think it will really help! (in addition to the amazing support team i have!)

I LOVE YOU ALL!!!!

DAY 1: november 17, 2009

i originally posted these first couple of facebook before i got the idea to make this blog... i will copy and past everything from there:

learning to let go and love herself completely... i am not my mother's words....

cybermom*: That's AWESOME. I am SO proud of you!!!! You ROCK.

me: aww thank you, i know it will take time, 28 years of dealing with it just doesn't disappear, but i am putting my foot down and not letting her unkind words and thoughts affect me anymore! i ♥ u!

cybermom: GOOD GIRL!!!!

me: thank you! and thanks to amazing people like you, who love and believe in me, i think i can get through this and completely heal myself! ♥

cybermom: Of course you can! You are a strong woman. Listen to me, and to Troy, and the others who love you and have your best interest in their heart. You'll be fine.

me: thank you, and i am, from now on. i am no longer listening to the opinions of jerks LOL.

drew: ♥

berwyn: From one who has been there....NO YOU ARE NOT YOUR MOTHER'S WORDS. Some women should not have children with all the damage they do to their precious ones. Remember, GOD WILLED YOU TO LIVE not your mother. He gave you special gifts just like everyone else.
He formed you in the womb, knew every little detail of you. NO ONE IS LIKE YOU....not a ... Read Moresingle person. Satan knows what God created us for, so he spends our lives filling us with lies to confuse us....satan can even use a mother who has a heart in the wrong place. Kiss her goodbye.

me: drew: ♥ thanks hun!
berwyn: thank you soo much! that means a lot to me. you are the second person today to mention satan and my mom in the same sentence LOL. i am sensing a pattern here.
you are right, my mom should never have had children, but i thank God every day she did have me! (if that makes sense).

thank you all soooooo much for all your kind, loving words. it helps in breaking away from her and anyone who isn't good for me. i love you all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!! ♥ ♥ ♥

mom2 (aka marcia)*: Your "mother", and I use the term loosely, is so unhappy in her own life that she feels the need to degrade you to make herself feel better. I would say to pity her, but I don't want you to waste even that emotion on her. You and Deb are my girls and I am damn proud of the both of you! And your Dad is too...never forget that!!!

step mom (aka cyndi)*: Yes, Marcia is right! I am very proud of you and your Dad is too. Some people just should not have been Mothers... ♥

me: marcia: thank you! your words mean the world to me, you have no idea! thank you and i love you!
cyndi: thank you. LOL, everyone keeps saying that about her, too funny.

thank you all sooo much! who needs one crappy mom when you have soo many out there who love me! i love you all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ♥ ♥ ♥
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i learned a lot this day, i learned how many people i have in my life that truly love me! and some haven't even met me in real life! i find it a little sad that cybermom and i have never met in real life yet she cares for me more than my real mom has...

i am forever grateful and thankful for all the wonderful people i have been blessed with! i love you all!!!!

cybermom- this is a friend's mom who has lovingly "adopted" me.
mom2- this is my half sister's mom, who also has "adopted" me.
step mom- this is my father's wife, my actual step mom LOL.