DAY 14 update

here are some of the photos (there's over a 100 total LOL) from the shoot!

DAY 14: november 30, 2009

i like myself, i like myself, i like myself

so yesterday was the first time in at least 6 months that we went out on a date... probably not the smartest thing we did, money wise, but it was much needed. we both had a wonderful time! i can't wait till we are back on our feet and can do more of those. =)

i am suppose to be getting the pictures from the shoot in a few hours! i hope they turned out well. then it's on to editing and cropping them for the site! not a fun job, but it needs to be done. =)

yesterday i was having self image issues, i hate how little comments people make to me can multiply in my head until they have me in tears. i hope i can grow strong enough to let them just roll off my back. troy is amazing though, he verbally smacked some much needed sense into me LOL. part of my problem is that i physically compare myself to "perfect" women. why i do this i will never know. i never feel like i am pretty enough, or thin enough, or curvy (in those womanly places) enough, or my hair color is all wrong, etc. i need to accept that God made me the way i am for a reason and that i am beautiful. but needing to do this and believing it are two different worlds for me right now. i should be happy that my husband thinks i am "gorgeous", but see here's the thing with me, when he tells me this i think he is just trying to make me feel better deep down even though i know he would never lie to me, if that makes sense. i basically think any compliment tossed my way is to just make me feel better and has no real truth behind. i know this is messed up and that i need to not think this way, but the truth is i do. =( i wish there was some magic pill you could take that let you know when people are just bsing you or telling you the truth. and another to make me love myself, my whole self not just bits here and there. ugh...

so that's basically where i am lately, still reading my book and doing the exercises. i know that some days/weeks/etc. will be good days and others bad. i have a lot of pain and emotional scars to work through and that it will take time. i just need to have compassion and understanding for myself.

thank you all for reading and supporting and loving me. i love you all!!!

DAY 12 & DAY 13: november 29, 2009

i am fit, healthy, and attractive
(maybe if i say this enough i will believe it LOL)

i was too tired after the photo shoot yesterday to update, i apologize...

DAY 12

first, a huge sorry goes out to julie. i love you like a sister julie, and i am truly sorry.

so after the bombshell of information i found out yesterday i am still in a little shock. but a lot of why i am the way i am makes more sense. all in all i am glad i learned the truth from debbie. so thank you debbie!

so today's the big photo shoot, kinda stressed out about this one. this is the first big one since i lost all that weight. still uber self conscious about my body too. =( plus the photographer is troy's friend david who takes great photos but sometimes (well usually LOL) doesn't think before he speaks... should be interesting to say the least.

other than that i am doing ok, just super focused. i will let you all know how it goes!



DAY 13

so the photo shoot went well for the most part. david stuck his foot in his mouth a bunch of times, expected. the first was that he wouldn't let up on the fact that when i smile my cheeks puff out (got it, i have chipmunk cheeks), so it took me turning to him and saying, "well you can always photoshop someone else's face on mine" for him to get the point. (because i don't have enough hang-ups on my face.... at least this time he didn't suggest i get a chin implant.)

the next big time he stuck his foot in his mouth was when he was talking about my weightloss and told him that it was about 30lbs total, he asked how much i weigh now, which i replied with 105/106... then he counters it with.... "well my friend amber (who is this drop dead gorgeous 24 year old) is 114 and is 5'7", how tall are you?" i didn't know it was possible to go from feeling good about your body to feeling like a cow again in a split second but i did. but i quickly pushed that thought aside and focused on how far i have come. and darn it, i think i am doing pretty darn good! oh and just so you know, i told troy this and he said, one that's impossible since she is not anorexic and that's what she would have to be; and two her fake boobies are too big and too heavy for that to be possible LOL. i seriously love my husband. so that instantly made me feel better. he even admits that david just doesn't get it. he doesn't realize how what he says can hurt people.

oh, and after 4 hours of non-stop yoga, i am a little sore today LOL. but we got some great shots, at least from what i can tell on his camera.... i did a full wheel pose yesterday!!!!!!!!!!!! as you all know this has been one pose i have been working on. and i think i rocked it yesterday! i also did a pretty darn good headstand and an awesome bow pose! i can't wait to get the photos from him to show you all! we took about 150 pics yesterday and most of those are all different poses! i will say this, he did comment on how much my flexibility and strength has improved.

later today troy is taking me to the movies!!! we haven't seen a movie in like 6 months!?!? so i am pretty excited about that! YAY!

well that's about it for now, just mostly taking the day off to recover LOL. i plan on making some more videos for the website (office yoga and a couple others) so yeah. =D

thanks again for reading and supporting me, i love you all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DAY 11: november 27, 2009

my possibilites are endless...

so here i am, day 11, hehe. i am doing ok today, mostly just working hard on well work LOL.
had a good chat with my sister today, i love you debbie and wish we weren't on opposite sides of the US. =( our chat today helped me realize some things about myself...

one, i am too nice LOL. although i don't know if i can ever change this, it's who i am at my core. but i can stop trying so hard to please everyone (which usually involves me hurt in the end).

two, my mom is a horrible person and has really messed me up. on a funny side note, i compared her to herpes today LOL. which in a really weird way makes sense, as she lies low for awhile letting you begin to heal and get over everything, then she comes out of know where and plagues your life again LOL. so with that, my mom is now herpes LOL.

another thing we talked about is how i keep apologizing for needing love and attention. as debbie said, "i'm human, it's what we need". she told me today that my mom never held me, never really wanted anything to do with me, pretty much made it to where she had as little to do with me as possible. well it's no wonder i need constant reassurance that i won't be left or lots of hugs or kisses, or even just a holding of hands. i mean as a baby she would do this to me, i am still a little bit in shock over that one debbie lol. she also told me that for whatever messed up reason, tamar was the child she wanted. and i have to agree. she's treated tamar like a daughter, gone out of her way to give her whatever she wanted or needed. where as i had to beg to go to the doctor. for whatever reason, and i know that it has nothing to do with me, she just didn't want me. even before i was born she didn't want me.

on the plus side she did say that dad loved me very much and gave me as much love and attention as he could, which i clearly remember. i still have memories of laying on his belly watching star trek with him before bed... good times...he had the best embraces, no tension, just a strong loving hold. troy has one like that as well. when i lay in his arms i feel safe, at peace, at home...

i am beginning to think that at this stage in my life i am not suppose to have any friends out here, like maybe i am suppose to be healing myself now so that later i can enjoy the people i meet and not be self conscious and all. i tend to have a nice wall around me most of the time because i am so afraid of being hurt again. which i know isn't the best way to attract people lol. i have been in an emotional survival mode for so long i don't know how to just let my guard down. even troy told me i had quite the barrier up when he met him. i guess that really says something about him if he's willing to take the time to work his way through it hehe.

so that's about it for now. i learned a lot about myself and my past today, so all in all it was an interesting and productive one. =)

again, thank you all for all your love and support!!! i love you all!!!!!!!!!

DAY 10: november 26, 2009

family is any special person in your life, whether they be of blood or not...

so i got a lot of worried phone calls today about whether we were going to celebrate thanksgiving... well to answer your question...yes we did. i had a change of heart last night at about 10pm or so. i did about an hour and 40 minute yoga workout and it changed everything. i was happy at the end. it's amazing what a difference just moving and breathing can make, you have no idea. i went to bed happy and even woke up happy, which if you know me at all i am NOT a morning person LOL. troy always teases me that it's a shame i am allergic to caffeine LOL. a hot shower and some yoga usually help though. i am such a different person after either. sometimes if i am in a grumpy mood he turns to me and says, "how about taking out your mat and doing some yoga?" LOL.

in addition, when i awoke this morning and during our morning cuddle session (basically we sit in bed and just talk and pet mojito's belly LOL, sometimes we cuddle up together, but usually those times lead to about an hour delay of some kind LOL) we decided to take the whole day off. now i can't remember the last time we took a day off, which usually means it's long overdue. so we did. we cuddled in bed and watched some of our favorite t.v. shows, he played a video game, i read a book, then we got ready to go to his parents house for thanksgiving dinner.

everyone was in a great mood, and his mom even ate with us! usually she just hovers and watches us eat, not fun i might add LOL. dinner was wonderful, she went all out. the turkey was super yummy and there were a ton of veggies. mojito even got some turkey. everyone was pleasant to one another as well. troy and i even took a stroll outside with mojito, the air was so clean with a slight breeze and about 70-80 degrees out. it was amazing. i totally wanted to eat outside LOL. mojito charged a cat that was like 3 times his size, it was pretty funny. well we thought so the cat was trying to figure out what the heck he was LOL.

after dinner we came back home and curled up to watch some more t.v. and spend some time together. all in all it was a pretty darn good day! tomorrow we have to work extra hard, but if you ask me it was totally worth it!

on a funny side note, the moment i walked in their door the first thing his mom and younger sister said to me (even before hi) was, "oh my gosh you're so thin!" LOL. i guess i have changed a lot (body wise) since the last time they saw me LOL. it was too funny though and totally took me off guard.

i also had a good (but short) conversation with my amazing sister debbie, my adopted mom marcia, and even my grandma! troy and i are planning that as soon as we can we will be spending that holiday out there with everyone, either thanksgiving or xmas, depends on well everything LOL.

the main question in a lot of people's status' today was: what are you thankful for.... well here's what i am thankful for...
an amazing husband (and a cute pup)
amazing friends and family that love me for me
for the wonderful gifts that God has blessed me with
for the opportunities awaiting me around the corner
for life...

thank you everyone for all your love and support, it means the world to me! i love you all!!!

happy turkey day to do all, and to all full bellies! <3

during my search for the perfect image for the top of the page i ran across this one and it made me laugh, so i thought i would share it with you all. <3

DAY 9: november 25, 2009

i am worthy of love

so i realized today why this holiday season has affected me more than the others... in the past i have always seen elaine around or on the holidays (even if she didn't celebrate them, we at least saw each other). this year will be the first year ever where i have 0 of my(side) family to spend it with. so it's hit me pretty hard... dad is in heaven, debbie, marsha (annie, tyler), grandma, cyndi (and her 2 kids) all live back east... out here it's just elaine and tamar, but neither of them have anything to do with me. family is such an important thing to me. i have had a hard time getting in the holiday spirit since dad died in 2003 and all this with elaine made me hit my breaking point. i don't want to celebrate any holidays this year, i don't want to see anyone (but my hubby and mojito of course). at most i want to just go see a movie. does this make me a bad person?

maybe if we were better financially i might be more up for it, but i doubt it this year. i am just so over it all this year.

sorry to be a bit of a downer, i should be better after tomorrow.

troy is such a sweetheart, he offered to let me just stay home and he would go to his parents house, but it's not fair to send him in there alone, who knows what mood his mom will be in and what drama could happen. same with his little sister. the holidays seem to bring out the uber crazy in those two, let me tell ya. plus, they both have been bad mouthing the two of us behind our backs for sometime now and it's hard not to speak up and say anything. i know if i do it will just make life even worse for his dad, who is the sweetest man ever. so we sit in awkwardness while his mom watches us all eat (she only eats fresh fruits and veggies, and why she can't just make herself a plate and eat with us is beyond me, guess it just helps to add to the awkwardness of the whole event).

he did say that we are going to do an eat by, which i feel a little bad about, but the truth is we have soo much work to do that we really don't have the time to waste talking about nothing and being uncomfortable the whole time.

i hope it's not a drama filled event, and i am praying none of them bring up elaine. they all know about her and her lack of, well everything, i just don't want to talk about it tomorrow. i might just crumble in front of them all and that would not be good.

on a funny side note, mojito will be wearing the cutest shirt ever! it says, "no squirrels may pass, i am the squirrel master" which is too funny since even a squirrel is a giant to him LOL.

well, happy thanksgiving to everyone. i am thankful for you all and all your love!

DAY 8: november 24, 2009

i deserve to be healed

kind went backwards a little today... battled with mild depression. part of it stemmed from issues i had with making my new dvd... the files somehow got corrupt and i had to start all over with a new program. so it felt like i had wasted hours upon hours for nothing. kinda frustrating...

then there's all the stupid drama that comes with thanksgiving... his mom is being special and causing headaches for the rest of us... then troy went off on a huge tangent about how upset he is at elaine (the woman who gave birth to me) and how if she ever calls again she is going to get an earful (and she totally deserves it too). but it doesn't change the fact that there is pain and hurt on the subject. he hit the nail on the head today... he said, "when i needed her the most she was no where to be found... that it's really sad that people on the internet have cared for me more than she has..."

i just don't get how you can carry this child inside of you for 9 months, give birth to it, but not feel love for it. but toss a puppy or a cute cat in her sights and then you see love (or tamar for that matter). the last time we spoke she asked how mojito was, not how troy or i were, but mojito. now don't get me wrong i love him as much as i would if i gave birth to him, but that's just wrong LOL. i have always been there for her when she needed to vent or complain, or whatever... but then again this is a woman who leaves disasters wherever she goes... i called her hurricane elaine or tornado elaine (basically any type of natural disaster) the other day. she doesn't care about anyone but herself and she doesn't care what happens to anyone or anything around her, as long as she is happy and gets her way, regardless of the wreckage she leaves behind.

with that said, it is a wonder why i am surprised at why and how she does things LOL. like that saying goes, you just can't understand a crazy person.

well on the plus side, i got everything fixed on the dvd and have 3 copies ready to go out tomorrow! (although 1 is for a client i see on saturday, but still LOL).

i also spent some time doing some much needed yoga. i continued to practice some harder poses, like crane, wheel, and headstand. i was rocking headstand today, so that helped perk up my spirits! i was doing an awesome crane till troy came home and scared the crap out of me (i was right by the front door lol) and totally lost control and crashed like a very sad crane LOL. and i am getting better at wheel pose. due to the fact that i have a deep arch and have suffered from back problems in the past i have been having issues getting my arms completely straight, it would just put too much strain on my spine. the most i have gotten them straight is about 45-50% but today i hit about 10-15% so YAY ME! i know i can do it, i just have to keep working at it! =D plus my arm strength has increased greatly, which surprised me! LOL. this became very evident when i was able to do a full headstand away from the wall, it's a lot of arm and core strength, and boy is it an amazing workout! then there's crane pose of course which is all arm and balance. and to think not that long ago i was living on heating pads, icy hot, and pain killers LOL.

so on that note, thank you all for reading and supporting me, i love you all!!!

night!

DAY 7: november 23, 2009

i am beautiful in mind, body, and spirit.

i complimented myself today.... this is a huge deal for me, i never compliment myself! but i did today. i am very proud of myself LOL.

this is something i have started to do whenever i do something right or good or am feeling down, i make it a point to point out something good i have done or about myself.

with editing all these videos, etc. it is forcing me to get use to seeing myself, good parts and bad. i am finding that i am becoming less critical of my faults. like i know my tummy isn't perfect, BUT i am continuing to work on it, so it's only temporary. and yes, i might not be able to do a certain pose YET, but if i keep working on it, who knows! =)

i am also getting more confident with my body and get this.... i looked at myself in the mirror yesterday and smiled and DIDNT cringe!!! i think that alone deserves a mini cupcake party, i don't know about you!

other than that, just working hard on the site and videos/dvd's.

again, thank you to everyone who loves and supports me, i love you all SOOOOOOOOOO much!

DAY 6: november 22, 2009

The fire within me burns through all blocks and fears

so here i am on day 6, and i am feeling pretty darn good! i will admit that i am a little sad by the fact that she hasn't called, and that thanksgiving is this thursday and it doesn't look like anything special is going to happen. family drama strikes again... we are actually contemplating about just going to the movies that day and having a fun day together. we don't have the money to have a nice turkey dinner or anything, so unless we are having it at his parent's house (which doesn't look likely at the moment) we really won't be celebrating this year. =( last year he was very sick, so we weren't able to celebrate it then. i guess the main thing is that we will be together that day, doing what doesn't really matter right?

other than a touch of holiday blues i am good hehe. completed the trailer for my new dvd, so yay there! i will be filming most of today, which i love, because it means i am able to help people out there i normally wouldn't be able to!

reading my self help book any time i can. i am really enjoying it so far and it's opening my eyes to some interesting points. i think it will really help me.

so all in all i am moving steadily along the track of learning to love myself entirely!

have a great sunday and again, thank you to all that love and support me, i love you all!!!!

DAY 5: november 21, 2009

Spent energy in my body, mind, and soul flows away from me, and I thankfully accept all things that refresh me

i apologize for the late posting, had a very busy morning. was up till about 1am working on a copy of my simply restorative dvd for one of my clients in my 11:30am class. then woke up at 7am to continue working on it, finished it at 10:30am LOL. of course when you have a deadline that's when computers laugh in your face right? but i got it all done and he seemed quite pleased, so YAY!

so i have begun referring to my "mother" only as "the woman who gave birth to me" lately. this is helping me break away from it all. because in my world, the definition of mother has the word LOVE in it. and she clearly doesn't fit that definition.

everyday that passes i feel stronger and more confident in myself. i am still battling self image demons, but i know those will take time, they formed after almost 29 years of time, it will take time to heal the wounds... on a funny note, all this video editing is forcing me to see myself A LOT LOL. i am starting to find some positives now with my body... still working on the face. =(

i have also felt guilty for the way some people have been treating me for losing all the weight i have. which i know now is very silly. i have worked so hard (and continue to) to lose the weight and tone my body. anyone can do the same. so the next time someone makes a snide remark or gives me a dirty look i am simply going to say to myself, "i have worked hard to achieve what i have now". if they have a problem with the way i look, then that is their problem not mine.

ok, this is about all my tired brain can compose for now hehe.

thank you for reading and thank you to everyone for their love and support! i love you all!!!!

DAY 4: november 20, 2009

No matter how dark my path may be at times, it leads to light.

today is off to a much better start! had a wonderful class last night at the rec. center. i don't know who benefits more, me or the clients LOL.

today i am very focused! i will be filming my simply restorative dvd today and hope to have it up for sale very soon! and i will be making a trailer for this one as well, i promise to add music to it this time LOL.

i haven't put myself down once today, which is a big thing for me! i know it's only 11am, but usually i would have insulted myself about 20 times LOL. i feel strong today. i feel like i can overcome this issue, and that i WILL heal the wounds inflicted by the people of my past.

reading my self help book anytime i have a spare moment, which isn't a whole lot lately, but even a little bit is better than nothing right?

well i am off to get ready for the film shoot! have legs to shave and hair curl! hehe. (can't have caveman legs for the video now can i? hehe)

huge thanks go out to all the amazing people God has blessed me with!

also, thank you greta for our chat yesterday, i needed that. it's nice to know i am not alone.

also thank you to cybermom, meg and dyan, you all rock! i love you all!!!!!!!

DAY 3: november 19, 2009

again, posted on facebook...

on DAY 3 of letting go and loving herself completely.... So far it's off to a rough an emotional start, tears have been shed. Had an epiphany during a dream and it's like someone took the blinders off. I am thankful for the dream but it's hit me pretty hard...

greta: dreams can do that .. I have had a few the past month or so .. left me pretty emotional but in the end the thinking they made me do has really been a good thing. Each Day is a new opportunity for blessing, I will pray for you. Things will keep getting better!

meghan: I "liked" before I read completely... I'm sorry you're having a rough time. But just think how much better off you'll be after you get through this! (((HUGS))) xoxo

me: greta: yes, i completely agree, and thank you so much, you are such an amazing person and your love and support mean the world to me!

meghan: you are too cute, i didn't even see the like LOL. i know in my heart that i am doing the right thing, no one ever said the journey would easy right? i am blessed to have people like you here helping me though!

i love you both!!!!!! ♥ ♥ ♥
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my dream was about finally realizing that i have been giving all of myself to my mother in hope that she will love me the way i want and need her to, and then realizing that i could give her the world and it still wouldn't change who is she... pretty deep stuff to start the day off with. it was like someone took my blinders off and smacked me in the face LOL. i am thankful for having the dream (which had me giving mojito to her in hope that she would love, but instead she doesn't take care of mojito and didn't treat me any differently. i grabbed my sweet pup and kissed him like a million times already LOL. i even told him i would never, ever give him away, EVER!)
i thank God for blessing me with such an amazingly profound dream...

DAY 2: november 18, 2009

again, posted on facebook....

on DAY 2 of letting go and loving herself complely! I will this say this again and again till my taurus of a brain lets it sink in completely (not just on the surface, i am talking all the way down into my soul, sinking in).... I AM NOT MY MOTHER'S WORDS!!!! =D (feels soooooo good saying that by the way!)

meghan: You are AWESOME!!

me: aww thanks hun!

greta: April you are such a loving, caring, wonderful person, I am so blessed to have you in my life!!!!! Thanks for being you!

me: aww thank you greta! i feel the same way about you! ♥ (hooray for video games is all i will say LOL)

greta: ditto! ♥
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i met meghan, greta, drew, and heather all through a video game, who knew i would met my best friends through one LOL.

i also went out and got a book this day... the mindful path to self-compassion... just started it, but i think it will really help! (in addition to the amazing support team i have!)

I LOVE YOU ALL!!!!

DAY 1: november 17, 2009

i originally posted these first couple of facebook before i got the idea to make this blog... i will copy and past everything from there:

learning to let go and love herself completely... i am not my mother's words....

cybermom*: That's AWESOME. I am SO proud of you!!!! You ROCK.

me: aww thank you, i know it will take time, 28 years of dealing with it just doesn't disappear, but i am putting my foot down and not letting her unkind words and thoughts affect me anymore! i ♥ u!

cybermom: GOOD GIRL!!!!

me: thank you! and thanks to amazing people like you, who love and believe in me, i think i can get through this and completely heal myself! ♥

cybermom: Of course you can! You are a strong woman. Listen to me, and to Troy, and the others who love you and have your best interest in their heart. You'll be fine.

me: thank you, and i am, from now on. i am no longer listening to the opinions of jerks LOL.

drew: ♥

berwyn: From one who has been there....NO YOU ARE NOT YOUR MOTHER'S WORDS. Some women should not have children with all the damage they do to their precious ones. Remember, GOD WILLED YOU TO LIVE not your mother. He gave you special gifts just like everyone else.
He formed you in the womb, knew every little detail of you. NO ONE IS LIKE YOU....not a ... Read Moresingle person. Satan knows what God created us for, so he spends our lives filling us with lies to confuse us....satan can even use a mother who has a heart in the wrong place. Kiss her goodbye.

me: drew: ♥ thanks hun!
berwyn: thank you soo much! that means a lot to me. you are the second person today to mention satan and my mom in the same sentence LOL. i am sensing a pattern here.
you are right, my mom should never have had children, but i thank God every day she did have me! (if that makes sense).

thank you all soooooo much for all your kind, loving words. it helps in breaking away from her and anyone who isn't good for me. i love you all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!! ♥ ♥ ♥

mom2 (aka marcia)*: Your "mother", and I use the term loosely, is so unhappy in her own life that she feels the need to degrade you to make herself feel better. I would say to pity her, but I don't want you to waste even that emotion on her. You and Deb are my girls and I am damn proud of the both of you! And your Dad is too...never forget that!!!

step mom (aka cyndi)*: Yes, Marcia is right! I am very proud of you and your Dad is too. Some people just should not have been Mothers... ♥

me: marcia: thank you! your words mean the world to me, you have no idea! thank you and i love you!
cyndi: thank you. LOL, everyone keeps saying that about her, too funny.

thank you all sooo much! who needs one crappy mom when you have soo many out there who love me! i love you all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ♥ ♥ ♥
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i learned a lot this day, i learned how many people i have in my life that truly love me! and some haven't even met me in real life! i find it a little sad that cybermom and i have never met in real life yet she cares for me more than my real mom has...

i am forever grateful and thankful for all the wonderful people i have been blessed with! i love you all!!!!

cybermom- this is a friend's mom who has lovingly "adopted" me.
mom2- this is my half sister's mom, who also has "adopted" me.
step mom- this is my father's wife, my actual step mom LOL.

a little background to start off...

hello, my name is april and i don't love myself... sounds funny i know but it's the truth. before i take you more into the present let me take you into the past, briefly....

i was born on april 29th, 1981 to an amazing father and a woman, who should never have had children, in lynn hospital in MA. from the moment i was born i am pretty sure my mom was never happy with me or loved me the way a mother should... for years i thought this way my fault, like i did something wrong... from the moment i could talk my mother and i butted heads.

let's fast forward to seven years later... my mom has the child she always wanted my little sister... two years later my mom divorces my dad... moves my sister and i all the way out to arizona... we lived with my aunt for a couple of years, my mom, sister, and i all in one tiny bedroom... it was a hard time. let's just say my cousins and aunt and uncle are not good people... a few years later we move to some off the map little town 25 miles east of apache junction... we are living in a two bedroom mobile home with holes in the floors, gaps in the windows, a back porch that fell apart, and a backdoor that blew off in a wind storm that we had to staple to the house... i kid you not, this was how we lived... i also had to share a room with my little sister and my mom's boyfriend's son (who had some issues, if he wasn't mastrubating while going through my underwear drawer or knocking me upside the head with 5lb books, or trying to break my jaw, then he was trying to walk in on me while i was getting dressed or showering... good times...

it wasn't until her, now husband, tried to kill her and i that she finally decided to leave him, apparently mental and physical abuse aren't reasons enough right? so we move into a battered women's shelter for a bit... that was an interesting month or too, and i shall never look at yogurt the same way again...

(let me backtrack a tad, during all of this my dad would come out twice a year for about 2 weeks each time to spend time with us. he would even rent an apartment during this time for all of us to stay in. he was in constant contact with us, and was amazing!)

after the battered women's shelter we moved into a 2 bedroom apartment... life was kinda back to normal... during this stage in life i was about 15/16 years old... my mom was going through her, i don't know how to be a mom so i will try and be your best friend because i feel guilty about almost getting us killed stage... it was awkward to say the least... she still was never home and i was still raising my little sister. now i had been raising her since my parent's divorce, which happened when i was 9. i had to change diapers and everything and i didn't even get to have sex before i became a mom, which really messed up my relationship with my sister... she now hates me and has nothing to do with, some of this is because i have become a yoga instructor, which according to the cult her and my mother belong to, makes me EVIL! but i am getting ahead of myself, so i apologize...

from 16 to 19 things just got worse and worse. my mom became very emotionally abusive to me. i feel horrible for the poor kid who dated me my senior year (my first boyfriend ever might i add...) about 20 minutes before he would come over to pick me up to take me to his home to just hang out (and i literally mean hang out, i gave my virginity to the man who would become my husband) she would start in on me... who i was a loser, would never amount to anything, couldn't do anything right... etc. now let me point out, i had a 4.0 gpa, performed in the choir and orchestra, worked a part time job (which i gave ALL my earnings to her), raised her child, and took care of her house... but i was still a loser in her eyes... sometimes she would sit on the couch and say how ugly she was then turn to me and say... you look just like me.... and she was surprised when years later i reveal that i have no self esteem and have been battling with it for years...

my high school graduation night was a horrible one... to make a long story short... i wasn't invited to go out to my celebration dinner. i had to stay home while everyone went out and celebrated... i cried myself to sleep that night... during my first year of college things hit the wall and my mom told me to, and i quote: "get the fu*k out of my house" so i did... a few weeks later i went back to get the rest of my stuff, with the help of my friend's dad... she then began to accuse me of sleeping with his dad... how my mother's brain works i will never know...

i barely spoke to her during this time... once my (now husband) boyfriend and i moved into our apartment i decided to let her back into my life... and she has been there in and out, whenever it's convenient for her since then...

then this year happened... our business went under due to economy, things became hard, very hard. and where was my mom during all of this? getting ready to move into her new home, which is now closer to my sister... which i should add, she used and lied to my husband and i before moving in to said home. we would come over there a couple of times a week to help fix up her old place in hope that she was "moving closer to us kids"... i guess i didn't read the fine print that said... by kids i mean your sister and her husband... silly me!

so as i am losing everything now i am seeing who truly matters and who i truly want in my life... can you guess who didn't make the cut? that's right my mom and sister...

so... i am now hitting this issue face on, and learning to truly heal all the wounds they inflicted... (my little sister is a mini my mom, all the way down to all the mean and hurtful things she would say to me)...

this blog is going to document my journey.... i can't promise the posts will always be rainbows and sunshine, but they will be real... thank you for reading and being a part of my journey...